'Elloo! As Mrs. Doubtfire would say. I won't keep you in suspense with another long-winded introduction, since I already did that last time. Here's the top five entries for your reading displeasure.
5. Never fuck with the Weller. When one big honkin' rat makes life a living hell for Robocop, Alex Murphy becomes obsessed with its complete and total destruction.
Weller's going about his business, enjoying his new life, when he takes care of a nest of rats he comes across in his town home. When momma rat finds out what happened to her babies, she sets out on a mission of vengeance against Weller. It's surprisingly a decent psychological thriller before the balls-out finale. Weller starts the film as your typical 80's businessman yuppie, but through momma rat's interference, he starts to mentally regress to a more primal state until he finally goes apeshit, destroying every inch of his house in the process.
It's a bit of a slow burn through most of the movie, building the tension between Weller and the rat, until the epically deranged showdown where Weller does his best impersonation of Bob Villa on crank. Still, Weller makes every scene he's in engrossing, including an unintentionally hilarious business dinner where he goes off on a tangent about the nation's rat epidemic. His obsession with all things rat deepens until you completely buy his turn for the psychotic at the end. You come for the mutant rat, you stay for the Weller.
4. I'm sure enough people have seen this one, but I didn't feel right not placing this somewhere on here as it fits with the tone of the others so well. This is a great example of how sometimes a big Hollywood budget can lend itself to a movie in ways the small scrapper films can't have. It never takes itself seriously which enables it to have the over the top set pieces that make the movie memorable. It doesn't hurt that the entire cast is in on it as well.
Basically, a couple of bumblefuck sheriffs and a couple of specialists are on the hunt for a giant crocodile that's been eating the locals. And Betty White tells someone to suck her cock at one point. That's about it, but what it lacks in plot it makes up for in fun. Goofy characters and a sense of humor makes this one stand out from the myriad of killer croc/alligator movies that populate the earth.
It's really hard to pass up a movie with Bill Pullman, Oliver Platt, Brendon Gleeson, and a foul-mouthed Betty White when they're all hamming it up. Plus, you get set-pieces such as a croc eating a cow or taking down a helicopter. The big-budget enables this to have decent effects (for the time) and have its monster gon on the rampage in a way that the Syfy flicks just can't. It seems to have found a second life on home video, which the Syfy Channel sequels can attest to, but if you haven't gotten around to checking it out, there's no better time.
3. Another movie tasked with turning the cuddly into ferocious, this one tops Lepus if not in outlandishness than at least blood thirstiness. While in Lepus, the most they showed was the victims getting slapped around by giant rabbit puppets, here, the sheep will tear you apart in a blink of an eye, with parts of the movie becoming a bloodbath.
Thanks to genetic testing, the genre's old friend, one farm's flock is turned into man-eating, woolly monsters. Not only that, but if some unfortunate individual is bitten by the lovable freaks and survive, they'll end up turning into a weresheep, something that I'm pretty sure is a first for cinema. It culminates in an outdoors board meeting being turned into an all-you-can-bleet sheep buffet as business men are torn asunder.
The movie realizes how preposterous it is and never once tries for anything but laughs, making the film fun as hell to sit through. From baby sheep eating a hippy to a wave of murderous lambs covering the hillside like a battle from Lord of the Rings, it's constantly hilarious. One scene involving a sheep driving a truck had both my wife and I laughing out loud. It's one that kind of flew under the radar for mainstream audiences but hopefully more people will be filling to track it down. It's an unheralded B-movie masterpiece.
2. Another movie with more of a higher profile than others on the list, but I don't think it's as recognized as it should be. Coming from a time before horror remakes were the only thing we get anymore, it has a unique tone that sets it out from other horror films from the last ten years, both in execution and just for the sheer cajones of casting Crispin Glover as the main character in a Hollywood film.
Willard is a repressed, lonely schmuck put upon by his mother, his scheming boss, and just about anyone else on the planet. He becomes friends with the rats in his basement, Ben in particular, and learns that these vermin will do his bidding if he wishes. Glover is manic but subtle enough that he comes across as a seriously unhinged person which society has thrown away and is the highlight of the movie, with the rats coming secondary.
The movie around him serves almost as a character itself, with every location feeling grimy and dank, to the point that it would feel right at home in a 1940's noir. It also carries a demented sense of humor that plays out through the tone and performances. It almost feels like a Tim Burton movie if he hadn't been so busy remaking other crap into mediocrity. I can't say if it's better than the original since I only have fuzzy memories of watching it early in the morning when I was five, and thanks to various outlets pretty much depleting the DVD market, it doesn't look like it'll be coming out anytime soon. It's on Youtube apparently but unless it's something I've seen before, I can't stand watching a movie on the computer. I do know that the remake bombed spectacularly at the box office and has been a bargain bin staple for years. It deserves to be discovered and enjoyed.
1. At one point, I would have thought most people would have seen this by now, with its constant airing on TBS, but from trolling about on various forums, it seems not as many may have caught this as I would have thought. Besides how damn good the movie actually is, it's also here out of sheer respect for it. This movie pretty much created the template for hundreds, if not thousands, of giant insect movies to wholesale lift from. One of them was even on this list earlier.
Irradiated ants grow to gigantic proportions in the desert and, despite army interference, make their way to the sewers of Los Angeles. The plot may sound familiar if you've dabbled in the genre even a little, but you have to understand, this fucker set the bar. You can spot scene after scene that was lifted into other films later, some of a completely different sort of movie altogether, such as Aliens. There's humor, adventure, scares; everything you could want in a movie involving giant ants.
When this was originally released, it played upon the public's recent awareness to nuclear radiation, much as Gojira had the same year, which I'm sure had a startling effect on an audience not used to such stories. By the time I watched it, nuclear mutation was old hat even to a seven year old. However, that doesn't mean it didn't scare the hell out of me as a child. The ant puppets worked exactly as they should have on a kid with the finale in L.A's storm drains had me as tense as a nun at a screening of Cannibal Holocaust. In fact, this left such an impression upon me, that six years later during a trip to Universal Studios, the tour bus driver pointed the storm drains as we went by and I flipped the fuck out, imagining giant ants rising from its sides to smash and devour gridlocked passerby's. I may be biased as my childhood memories place this above many others, but I still believe it holds up as a wonderful film that I think someone from any age would love. There were killer animal films before, and there were others afterward, but this is the quintessential example of the genre.
And there you go. What I consider the top ten killer animal flicks for you to check out. I think all ten of them fit a certain tone that would go fit well if you were to watch them together. Hopefully there's a few you might feel like checking out and giving them a shot. I think I've already decided what will be the next Top 10 feature but I'll get to that in a bit as there's a few other things I need to get to first. See you next time, and if you go into the woods, watch the fuck out! Crickets are about due for their own man-eating rampage by now.
For my first official Top 10 list, I figured I'd go with what's probably my favorite sub-genre, Nature Gone Wild films, in honor of Piranha 3D's recent bombing at the box office, which is unfortunate as it was a good time as long as you don't think about it too much.
When I look back upon my childhood and think about the movies I watched growing up, many of them were killer animal films. USA, TNT, and TBS had a healthy stock of animal films to choose from and would typically run them around 10 in the morning or around midnight, both falling into my favorite slots to watch movies at the time, even on school nights (I had and still have an annoying habit of avoiding as much sleep as possible). I would watch films like the adaptation of Guy N Smith's ludicrous giant crab novels and then play outside, freaking myself out with images of even the most docile creatures lurking, just waiting for me to cross their path. It's amazing what's possible in an eight year old's imagination.
This obsession would follow me into adulthood without wane, save for actually being scared by the things. The shelf containing my collection of murderous wildlife is larger than many of the other more well versed genres, such as werewolves or zombies. It's even separated into sub-sub-genres with different sections for crocodiles, alligators, ants, spiders, snakes, dogs, cats, and so on. It's a field that I can't get enough of, and I can't be alone in this. The Syfy Channel has made a veritable cottage industry out of these films for their popular Saturday night movies.
So with that, I give you the first half of the Top 10 Nature Gone Wild list of films that you should check out. I'll say right now that I disbarred Jaws, Cujo, and The Birds as everyone's heard of them. I like all of them, with two of them being a few of my favorite movies, ever, but I don't think I really need to recommend these to others at this point. If you haven't seen them by now, you will at some point with no need of any help on my part. This blog, more than anything, is about promoting movies people may not have heard about or don't receive as much attention as they should. I'm all about the new rather than treading well worn ground. Also, I have roughly 60 more of these I still have to watch, including several well-regarded titles such as The Long Weekend and Grizzly, so this thing will probably change dramatically once I get to them. And so, here you go, crazy critter flicks from #10-#6:
10.This movie makes the list just out of its sheer audacity. I mean, slugs? And in such a vicious movie no less? I can't remember the reason for these things going Dahmer on people if there even was any, it's been too long since I watched it, but I can't imagine any justifiable excuse for this:
If I saw a slug like that, I'd stay the fuck away from any gardening areas for the rest of my life. The movie rolls out one whacked idea after another. Slugs can pull people from a boat just by grabbing onto any toes they may be dipping. Wait, can slugs even go in the water? Also, apparently if you chop a slug into pieces and serve it with salad, the next day YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FACE WILL EXPLODE! Scientists never warned us about the perils of slug ingestion.
The movie is insane in what it's trying to pass off. The fact that it does so completely straight-faced adds even more lunacy to the buffet. This was directed by the same man that brought the world Pieces which is legendary even to those that haven't seen it yet, such as myself, so maybe it doesn't come as any surprise to how nonsensical this came out. Can you imagine the pitch session for this? Or the crazy bastards that bought into it? It was also based on a series of lurid books by U.K. Shaun Huston that I have to track down and see what else can be wrought from this premise. A remake perhaps...?
9. What a genius idea. "Hey Bob, let's make anodda giant spida movie." "I don't know, Sammy. Ain't it been done before?" "Well, let's throw 'em in da fuckin' snow then. Shit." And the rest, they say, is history.
Scientists create giant spiders for some sort of mumbo jumbo which then get loose and terrorize the morons at a local resort. Patrick Muldoon, in the role of his career, must save the various shred heads from badly rendered CGI. The movie's awful but it never fails to bring out the laughs. Just the first sight of Muldoon alone will bring on the hysterics, even more so once he opens his mouth and his pot-soaked, desperately "hip" delivery elevate this movie to a whole other level of What Were They Thinking?
The spider attacks are the main draw here with each one being hilarious in someway. The sight of snowboarders being plucked out of the air while jumping makes my hateful heart grow two sizes bigger. A scene with skiers trapped in a bus seems more complicated than it should be just out of human stupidity. And apparently, when spiders eat, they do so in a spectacularly gruesome fashion.
This is one of the few Syfy Channel movies done right, where there's no pretension of grandeur. It knows what it is and revels in its own stupidity, yet Patrick Muldoon's mastery of the theatrical arts will make you believe in the human spirit. Ha! Eat it, Peter Travers!
8. One of the earlier Syfy Channel creature flicks, back when it was known as the Sci-Fi Channel as though these things matter, this was surprisingly...well, awesome. Genetically altered (you'll find that a lot in this genre) fish get loose in the bayou causing all sorts of ill-mannered shenanigans.
The frankenfish themselves look great, for a Syfy Channel movie, and they're used throughout the movie which is fine. There's nothing worse than a B-movie saving it's monster for the very end, especially when there's no way it would ever come across as scary. And these fish aren't fucking around, either. They tear people in half with a ferocity matched only with the recent Piranha movie, including one glorious fly-by-night decapitation scene.
The movie's fast paced and funny, never feeling dull at stretches like other Syfy films, with even its title acknowledging what kind of movie it is. The last third of the movie is a direct take-off of the ending of Tremors, substituting the earth for water, which could be why it's so damn enjoyable. If you're willing to give yourself over to a movie entitled Frankenfish, you'll find it worth your while.
7. If you've seen any of the mutant animal movies from the 50's before then you'll be able to guess all of the twists in this one, even more so if you've seen Them as this rips off as much as it can from that film before it can be called plagiarism.
The reason I place this over so many others is simply because there's some great setpieces, especially if you were raised as a stop-motion nerd like me. Willis O'Brien does most of the effects here and they're enthralling to watch, even if it's not as polished as some of Harryhausen's work. The scorpions attack a train, battle Willis's leftovers from the aborted spider pit sequence from King Kong, and then the big mad mutha Black Scorpion attacks Mexico City while in the mood for a soccer match, all of which makes me feel like a kid every time I see it.
It isn't the greatest of films, but for sheer entertainment, it does its job. The scorpion scenes are as fun as the sequences in King Kong, even if you end up wishing for more of them and less of the square jaws standing around and yammering.
6. If you haven't actually seen this yet, you might have at least heard of it. I implore you, if you've been putting it off, go out and find it because it has to be seen to be believed. It's a concept that I find just a little more ludicrous than Slugs. In case you don't know what the aforementioned "lepus" is, we're dealing with big, giant, man-hungry, blood-thirsty, mutant, killer....RABBITS! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! One morning when I was about 7 or so, my dad was regaling us at the breakfast table of a movie he had seen the night before where-in giant bunnies would proceed to jump on top of people and proceed to slap the shit out of them over and over. I knew immediately I had to see this. Fortunately, TBS, prior to becoming the reviled "superstation" as it goes by now, had its own fascination with the film and played it at least once a week. You just had to find the right timing and one day, I got lucky, and the image of murderous, roaring jackrabbits running rampant over Main Street were forever burned into my head.
If you ever wanted to see Dr. McCoy scowl constantly for an hour and a half or scenes of what are supposed to be ominous rabbits who are really just sitting there patiently, then you need this movie. I can't imagine how anyone would willingly pour money into something like this. It's become almost legendary as a bad movie joke but I don't think very many people have actually sat down and watched it. You don't want to be one of those people, do you? You won't be disappointed. Movies like this are the meaning of life.
That's the end of this part, which probably has the more outlandish of the ten films. The top half are definitely more quality than these, even if they don't have the same level of absurdity. So if you aren't a fan of crazy premises you might enjoy the next five more. Hope to see you soon.
According to Home Media Magazine, Image Entertainment, which had a hell of a time climbing back from near bankruptcy, has signed a deal to distribute DVDs and Blu-rays for Sony as well as getting the rights to produce their own discs for certain Sony titles. Some of the titles named are Absence of Malice, And Justice For All, and, most interestingly, Spike Jonze's Adaptation for at least a Blu-ray release if not an actual special edition. It seems odd that Sony wouldn't want to bother with a well respected, Oscar-winning title that has a cult following among film freaks. If there's not a market for that, I don't know what the hell would be. But then again, I credit Sony with the majority of the blame of dumbing down and generalizing movies down to the lowest common denominator in the name of appealing to the "general" audience in the last five years, where movies exist solely to push their own proprietorially owned technology. How else do you explain Legion?
The fun thing is matching up Image's prior release trends with what could come from this relationship. Image was well known at the onset of DVD for releasing cult and horror titles, such as the first release of The Evil Dead before Anchor Bay grabbed it. Coupled with that, Image also handles The Criterion Collection's releases. Sony, through their Columbia and Tristar libraries, has a tremendous back catalog that the current regime is unwilling to mine for fear of bad sales. As demonstrated by other repertory companies such as Shout Factory, a smaller company can effectively work out the titles fans are clamoring for, but wouldn't exactly sell to the Wal-Mart crowd. There's an endless amount of possible titles that could come from this agreement, but of course we can only wait and see. If nothing else, hopefully some titles will be getting the Blu-ray treatment that would otherwise of been overlooked. A bright spot in the otherwise continually depressing DVD/Blu newsfront.
A few hopeful DVD titles, all of which were said to be owned by Sony back in 2005 in posts at Horror DVDS:
Another update on this mega-challenge I placed upon myself, this time brought to you on behalf of my Art History class that gives me a giant chunk of time to write each week. Sometime in the next day or so, be on the lookout for some of the new features I'll be bringing to the blog. It's time this became a serious, well-rounded blog that should hold a lot more interest for visitors. And please, if you have any comments or suggestions for me feel free to leave them in the comments section. I'm committed to making this a more entertaining and respectable looking blog so any criticisms will help me out as I go about getting this thing going, bit by bit.
54. A Real Friend Another film from Spain's Films to Keep You Awake, though this one goes for the opposite approach as I found myself nodding off more than a few times. A lonely girl obsessed with horror movies begins to become best friends with Spanish versions of Leatherface and Nosferatu which comes in handy when a real life monster comes to call. The movie drags too much to keep any real interest. Even at 70 minutes, it feels too long, and having the story be as muddled as it is doesn't help things. I know the filmmakers were trying to be clever in their little plot twists, but some clarification on a few things wouldn't have killed anyone. The ending picks up a little but by then it's too late to really care. The least interesting of the series. Sights within: -Leatherface trademark abuse. -World's best Nosferatu makeup, sadly. -Eww, a game of naked robber. -Best performance by a school counselor. -So was the mom a hooker or what? Guess it doesn't matter after that twist, though. Grade: D+ (Getting tired of this one yet?)
55. A Christmas Tale One of the highlights from the Six Films to Keep You Awake, this was directed by the co-director of Rec, so I had higher hopes for this one and I'm glad it paid off. A group of kids find a bank robber dressed as Santa stuck in a hole in the ground. Instead of helping her out, they blackmail her to get the money which doesn't exactly place them in her good graces. This one is steeped in '80's fanboy nostalgia. It's interesting to see that if this was filmed by an American, the opening fake movie would be some slasher homage; but with a Spanish filmmaker, it's an homage to films like those of Paul Naschy as they were more likely to grow up watching those instead. The kids feel authentic and each one has a great personality that stands out above your typical child role. There's a sense of humor that comes straight from the classic films of the '80's, like The Monster Squad, and seems to achieve it so effortlessly while other filmmakers are still trying to ripoff that tone. The ending occurs in an abandoned amusement park and lends a whole new character to the movie. There's just so much right in this movie that I didn't want it to end and is probably the best of this whole series. It's like catching an overlooked film from my childhood and makes buying the set worth it all by itself. Sights within: -World's most ragged Santa impersonation. -Karate Kid worship. -Tab abuse. -World's most pain in the ass way to kill a zombie. -Look, it's the Spanish Andrew Dice Clay. -Best performance by a Santa Claus costume. Grade: A- (I'm not posting the same damn trailer again since I'm sure you got the point and there's no other videos for these online that I can find, so you're off the hook.)
56. Kidnapped With the traditional Gothic horror film losing audience interest, Mario Bava took an uncharacteristic into the more dirty exploitative horror films that were popular at the time. This really doesn't fit in with his other films at all but it still holds up as a better example of the genre than others. A pack of fucked up criminals take a woman hostage as well as commandeering a man and his sick son as a chauffeur until they reach their escape route. Hilarity ensues. This film is filthy. Every frame is dirty and sweaty, which means it probably wasn't a good idea to watch on a sweltering night. By the time it was over, I felt like I needed a shower. One character in particular was so hairy and nasty looking, I started wishing we weren't watching it on the big screen plasma. I couldn't take looking at him anymore. While the film doesn't allow for Bava's trademark lighting and camerawork, it still retains his tight storytelling. The film is tense throughout most of its running time with every one of the characters stuck in the same car together for almost the whole time. It doesn't cut away to some news report or a cop on their tail, it's just the sickos and their victim bottled up like canned sardines. These types are films aren't really made anymore, and I can't say I'm not glad. They reveled in their nastiness and aren't typically fun to watch. They're interesting to watch every now and then but they're nothing that you feel like watching too often. I will say that this is one of the better films in the sub-genre. The only time it really stumbles is when it feels compelled to ripoff Craven's Last House on the Left, a film so odious to me that anything that reminds me of it sets me back. It's probably the lesser of Bava's catalog, but still worth watching at least once. Sights within: -World's sweatiest Italians. -One mega-switchblade. -Best performance by a comatose child. -When the guy in the red shirt laughs, I feel like crying. -It takes like thirty minutes of the film's running time for that guy to finally die. -Piss abuse. -One mean twist ending. -There's actually another version on the disc entitled Rabid Dogs with footage shot by Bava's son, Lamberto, but I didn't watch that one yet. I'll probably do a separate write-up when I do and cite the differences. Grade: B-
57. The Fog Blah. Not only one of the worst of the remakes, but one of the worst films in the last ten years, easily. The story follows the same outline of the original: ghost lepers haunt the town that dismissed them. Where the original was focused on atmosphere (though I will admit right here that I've only seen the last half on TV about eight years ago, I have it on DVD and I'll be finally checking it out properly within the next few months), this one embraces every possible cliche imposed by a studio system. You don't even have to watch the film to know what the hell happens. Tom Welling has all the charisma of a broom and Maggie Grace induces thoughts of suicide. Honestly, the only reason I watched this one for a second time was because I downloaded the Drunken Dead Pit commentary, which you wouldn't believe what a crass, inebriated ripping of a film can do for its quality. From digs at Welling's sexual orientation to calling out every bullshit shot of the film, it made for a fun time. Sights within: -How dare they set this movie in Oregon. -World's gayest sweater. -Best performance by a green-screen. -Just a complete masturbation of CGI. You'll be sickened by the end. -Seaweed abuse. -So there's random symbols of a scale all over the town and that's supposed to mean something? Maybe there's a Libra that likes graffiti? Ever think of that? -Fog abuse. -CGI abuse. -Token black character abuse. -Leper abuse. -Audience abuse. -Abuse upon the art of storytelling and acting perpetrated by everyone involved. -I feel ashamed that I have a giant cardboard cutout of that poster design hanging on my wall that I got when I worked at Wal-Mart and they were junking the display. That image is really the only worthwhile thing to come out of the film. Grade: F, Commentary: B
58. Shaun of the Dead What can I say about this that others haven't? It's a British comedic take on a zombie infestation that pays homage to George Romero and came at just the right time to help bring zombies to the mainstream and inspiring countless unimaginative ripoffs for the better part of a decade now. When I got my first all-region DVD player, this was the first movie I ordered. It arrived two weeks before the American theatrical release and I was able to watch it probably five times in that week alone. There are times when you watch a movie and you know even as it's still playing, you're watching one of your favorite movies. The comedy is pitch perfect and sets so many jokes up effortlessly the whole time without ever having to dumb it down for the viewer. I caught yet another joke I missed this time out. It's one of the few comedies that genuinely has respect for its audience. At the same time, the zombies are serious business and when things gets dramatic, it hits home without the movie or the actors ever skipping a beat. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost create this generation's comedic tag-team (sorry Harold and Kumar) and you get the impression that the whole movie could have been about these two just playing video games on the couch and it would have been just entertaining. Their reputation, along with Edgar Wright's, were cemented a few years later the equally good Hot Fuzz, and that's without even mentioning the series Spaced which launched them all. One of the few films you can truthfully call a "modern classic." Sights within: -Sade abuse. -I think you can spot those twin zombies about fifteen times in different shots. -Best fanboy moment: Ed's use of "We're coming to get you, Barbara." -World's best use of a cricket bat. -Best performance by a dart. -The matching of the pool cue scene and Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" is genius. -Great nod to Capt. Rhodes's demise. Grade: A+
59. The Cavern Okay, so I'll come out and say I love 2005's The Cave. I almost decided to rewatch that instead but decided to do so later so that I could show it to my wife later on, so I decided to throw this on in the hopes that it would be another decent cheap yet fun monster flick. Nope. This movie was released at the same time with almost the same artwork in order to cash in on what would be a flop. Kind of like what The Asylum specializes except it was made by the exact same studio so I'm not sure what the logic there was. A bunch of...what are they called? Cavers? I'll go with that. Cavers go exploring in an undiscovered cave system (yet the entrance is huge and could be seen from a mile away) and are picked off one by one by something. This is what happens when not one aspect of filmmaking comes together. It's inept and worthless. The fact that I actually sat through the whole thing makes me sad, though it was hard. My finger was hovering over the fast-forward button the whole time. Rule #1 of making a movie: People have to see it. The whole thing, even before they get into the cave, is lit like a rhesus monkey was in charge. Not one light feels natural and to top things off, every shot looks like shit was smeared over the lens to make the film appear as a fluorescent grease-stain. Every character whines and grates your nerves until they're parmesan cheese, completely blocking any capacity of empathy one might have. I can tell that while writing it, they knew they had one point over here and another one over there that they had to get to but had no idea how to do so. It rambles, repeating the same shit for roughly 50 minutes, until it's horrid climax. Throughout the movie, you get the impression that the big threat in the cave could at least be a little spooky. When I finally saw what was really killing these twerps, I almost blew my brains out. It goes for the stupidest, most asinine ending to a movie I've seen since The Happening. Hey Cavern, go fuck yourself. Sights within: -World's most putrid color scheme. -They willingly wore those tights? -There's not one shot without a horribly visible matte on the screen. -Drill bit abuse. -World's most unwarranted guilt trip. -The thing bothered to knock them out, undress them, and put them in Flintstones clothes? -Best performance by a human on a spit. Grade: F
60. Cabin Fever 2 This movie sat on a shelf for two years before finally being dumped as an advertising tool for the Blu-ray release of the first one. It suffered from last minute reshoots that caused the director to walk away, and I can see why. It picks up right after the original's ending, with the tainted water being bottled and shipped to the local high school just in time for the prom. The movie starts out good and for the first hour continues to pick up steam and I was right along with it, loving it. Then once the shit, or blood more fittingly, hits the fan, the last half hour loses its way and grinds on to a horribly out of place finale. Ti West has said that he was going for a John Waters vibe with the film, and I can see that through most of the movie. The characters are out of whack in the first place and the humor in the film is appropriately deranged and mean spirited. I really appreciated that it went for a different tone than the original rather than just aping it on a much lower budget which also helps it stand apart as its own movie. The disease works much faster in this one, going for the big gross-out every minutes compared to the slower buildup to the gags in the original. Towards the end, it brings in the military in yet another quarantine situation, which is boring enough, but then it jumps away before even that is wrapped satisfactorily. It doesn't even have anything to do with school at all, in fact, the setting for just about the entirety of the movie. Suddenly, it concerns some character we didn't give a shit about in the first place and had already forgotten in a scene that doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the movie. It's a common understanding that a movie is only as good as its ending as that's what leaves the last impression upon the viewer before its over. That's somewhat true as this ending is just frustrating when there's so much more that could have been done. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth when you look back upon it, but I still believe it's worth checking out for the first hour of the movie which is a truly demented good time. Sights within: -World's best bus splattering, that no one seems to think much of. -Giuseppe Andrews, he's just great. -Bathroom B.J. -One bitter janitor. -Prom night dumpster baby abuse. -I knew they were going to play that fucking song from Prom Night six seconds before it began. -Best performance by a leaky dick. -An appearance by Mark Borchardt, who gets to kick some ass. -When you get no budget, just throw in some crude animation. -I really hope Marc Senter gets some real attention soon, instead of piddling the time with stuff like this and the pile of bile that is Wicked Lake. Check out The Lost for the reason why. Grade: C
61. It! The Terror From Beyond Space Ah, the good ol' days. When you could get away with half-baked science, some rocketship toys, and a guy in a suit and still make it cool. A crew picks up the last survivor of an excursion to Mars, believing him to be the one responsible for the deaths of the rest of his team and dismissing his stories of a monster, of which has also climbed on board. The story's relatively simple and doesn't have a lot to do outside of its setup, but it does a good job of staying taut and knows how to use tension well. It consists of the ship's crew keeping the monster at bay all the while working on new ways to kill it. Every one of the actors spit out their lines in typical 50's fashion, because everyone back in those days were barrel voiced leading men, while the women perform their daily duties of fetching coffee and making sandwiches. How's that for progression? the whole thing has a certain laughable quality but that's what makes these kinds of films fun. The monster design is great and works well for the story, back when actual imagination was utilized for such things, with the style of lighting used for black and white movies helping lend it an authentic air of menace. The movie itself isn't anything you haven't seen before (that is, if you're willing to watch anything over ten years old), but it does its job admirably and has fun doing it. Plus, you can try to count how many things were later stolen for Alien. Sights within: -World's most murderous shellfish. -Yeah, using grenades on an airtight spaceship sounds like a great idea. -Air duct abuse. -Grenades and radiation poisoning doesn't bother it, yet a blowtorch scares the shit out of it? -The only movie where a character patiently sits behind a pipe for roughly half the movie. -Best performance by a metal hatch. -Come on! They even blow it out the fucking airlock! How is that not obvious? -The transfer on the Midnite Movies disc was surprisingly crisp. Grade: B-
62. House of the Dead This is probably one of the most derided and picked upon films of the last twenty years, and I'll admit it's horrible, but dammit, it's fun to watch. Premise is this: Teens go to island. Island has zombies. German smuggler gives them guns. Teens shoot guns at zombies. The End. I will never argue that it's a bad movie, but I will argue that it doesn't have its merits. The movie is constantly hilarious, from its setup and horrible execution to characters you have no idea who you're supposed to be following or caring about to ridiculous action scenes that have no footing in the real world, you are never left with anything to laugh about. It spends most of the time trying to copy other better movies, with some of them not even being horror films, even though it never tries to copy them well. There seems to be a perception out there that just because it's a bad movie, you shouldn't give it any credit. You'll hear countless people recount what happens in the film all the while laughing. Then they'll go on and say they hate it and they wish Uwe Boll would stop making movies. But what about that laughter it obviously instilled inside? You had to enjoy it on some level to achieve even some kind of laughter but there's not many that are willing to admit to any enjoyment out of this movie just because it's fashionable to hate it. It's an elitist, hypocritical viewpoint that I can't stand. It's a disaster of a film, but it manages to crawl along as pure, moronic entertainment that if you give it a chance, you might just find yourself having a good time. Sights within: -Sega abuse. -That Asian lady in the Liberty outfit is like some horrid anime freak's wish fulfillment come to life. -World's lamest "mega-rave." -I don't care how stupid they are, I doubt anyone would be able to remove their top in the presence of Clint Howard. -Oh, Jurgen Prochnow. What happened? -White zombies can jump. -Look, a bubbling marsh. -I can only imagine cartoons and videogames are the reason every person on the planet knows martial arts and how to wield high-end weapons. -Vancouver, CA abuse. -Best performance by artificial film grain. -The only zombie movie to end with a sword fight. Huh? -Where's the fucking House? Grade: B
Movies Watched: 6 -A Real Friend -A Christmas Tale -Kidnapped -The Cavern -Cabin Fever 2 -It! The Terror From Beyond Space New Movies Bought: 0 Unseen DVDS: 3208 Unseen Blu-rays: 65 Unseen VHS: 120 Unseen DVD-R'S: 5
And their necks crane As they turn to pray for rain
Still plugging away on this fool's crusade. I got behind about a week due to family issues, but on the other hand it also means I wasn't able to watch anymore movies so I'm at least catching up on the write-ups, but then again the whole point of this is to actually watch movies. Ah, it's all screwed. There's a few other things I've been working on that also got pushed back, but they should be on here soon along with other things. I plan on using this place as my central output on film related writing as well as tracking as I tackle the Pile of Shame like I have been. I just have to clear up other issues that are cutting into my writing time. Of course, excuses are like assholes, everyone's got them; so I'm just going to shut up about it for now. On to the blathering.
36. If you ever wanted to see rich, dumb socialites get what's coming to them, here's your movie. Three girls hook up with four guys for pointless sex and partying. One of the guys whips out one of his new moves and ends up killing one of the girls in the midst of their orgy, creating tension between the two genders. The movie's surprisingly really good despite not having any characters you can bring yourself to like. The film establishes a taut atmosphere once the initial act occurs and maintains it all the way through the end with the stakes being notched bit by bit. The acting is fairly good for most of the characters which helps sell their stubborn decisions. No one really gets away from this one clean and it's kind of refreshing to see when most movies are following your typical template. Sights within: -It's Hair-lip Steve! -...who mumbles every bit of fucking dialog to where I can never understand him. -World's most explicit orgy scene outside of hardcore pornography and Caligula. -Boom! Donkey punch! -Propeller to the head. -Signal flare abuse. Grade: B
37. Kind of a meditation on the "chicken or the egg" theory, only bloodier. This is a film that tries to twist your brain all around, but does it so effortlessly, you won't even notice at first. It's fairly easy to follow as you watch the film; it's after it's over and you start going over the details and how they lead into each other do you begin to feel all turned around. What starts out as a simple boat cruise turns into a metaphysical merry-go-round that's only vaguely explained by having something to do with the Bermuda Triangle, which I think isn't even mentioned in the movie itself. In fact, maybe the title has nothing to do with the Bermuda Triangle and simply just follows the logic of the triangular shape itself. Whoa. Revelation. One last thing worth mentioning is that the film pretty much lives or dies on Melissa George's character. If she wasn't up to the task of carrying the entire movie, it would fall apart completely and thankfully she steps up just fine. Sights within: -That kid's life has just got to suck. -Melissa George abuse. -World's only scene showcasing dozens and dozens of corpses, all of the same person. -Damn that amnesiac nap, huh? -So if just one of those items she finds in a pile comes from one full round on the boat which is made up of three rounds of the other people and there's like fifty of those things and...ouch. Grade: A-
38. I watched this once when it first came out and it didn't really leave an impression on me, good or bad. I felt like something breezy so I decided to give it another shot and I still don't have a lot to say. Most of the movie isn't too bad. Just vapid entertainment that sometimes comes across like it's trying too hard but for the most part is at least pretty watchable. But then comes the ending. Wes Craven does not know how to end a fucking movie. It's like he gets so exhausted filming the rest of the movie he just says fuck it and starts jumping as many sharks as possible. The only film where his juvenile insanity actually helped a movie was People Under the Stairs and that's only because the whole movie is apeshit in the first place. Scream is probably the only film of his that doesn't completely lose it, but even then it begins to slip into that territory when Billy and Stu start going Three Stooges on each other with the knives. The final scenes in the Hollywood club at the end are just too jokey and self-indulgent for me to accept. And the final confrontation is riddled with horrible acting and punchline violence. What is for the most part a decent time waster turns into a dead dog and it's just a shame. Sights within: -Christina Ricci's bulbous head. It has its own orbital system. -Everyone calls Jesse Eisenberg a Michael Cera clone, but he was doing that schtick before Cera was even on the scene. -World's most comically inappropriate coming out of the closet scene. -I've always hated Craig Kilborn with a passion and I have no idea what anyone anywhere ever saw in him. -A werewolf flipping the bird. One of the most horrible cinematic images burned into my brain. -Shannon Elizabeth torn in half. One of her better performances. -Weredog abuse. -A werewolf movie where not one person turns into a werewolf at any time in its climax. What the fuck? Grade: C-
39. A movie that I think was hyped for way too long by far too many people. It's not a bad movie, but it's not the second coming of Christ either. Most of the film's enjoyment comes from Bruce Campbell's willingness to pick apart what has basically been his bread and butter for the last thirty years or so. It's great to see because blind Evil Dead-loving diehards need to be taken down a bit. They're great films, but the first was the best and they all slipped a little more they longer they went on. Bruce's instant charisma is what's kept him around all these decades and it's what keeps this movie going, as everything else is pretty much amateur hour. The directing and lighting is pretty low budget and is only just a few steps above the films that are used as punchlines within the movie itself. It's fairly entertaining but does get bogged down with too much stupidity at times, and honestly, it would have been a much better movie without the hokey demon plot-line and just focused on Campbell as a B-movie star dealing with the real world. Those are the only scenes when the movie comes alive and whenever it delves into the demon it just feels stagnant. Sights within: -World's most offensive portrayal of a Chinese character this side of the '70's. -Chin abuse. -A pretty accurate depiction of what the typical current Hot Topic patron looks like. -Ted Raimi abuse. -Bruce Campbell, a man not above throwing a small child to the ground in order to steal his bicycle and leave him to die by the hands of an ancient Chinese demon. -I recognized the blacksmith from Army of Darkness and Jake from Evil Dead 2 a split second before they call attention to the fact. I must be slipping. -"Where the fuck is Goldlick?" Funniest line. Grade: B-
40. One of those films I had always heard about but never got a chance to actually watch it, despite having seen the sequel roughly 17 years ago. Compared to other similar films of the time, like The Monster Squad, the tone of the film is much more serious and somber, but it is also one of the only child-friendly horror films that could conceivably be scary. A young Deacon Frost's tree-house is uprooted, exposing a gaping hole in the ground. Through a series of events that can only be called "kooky," they learn all about the ancient ritual to summon demons from said hole as well as accidentally performing such a ritual. Demons ensue. It's a fun movie, but it's a calculated movie, taking its time to actually set up scenes effectively and never degenerates into goofy comedy. The monster scenes are played straight with simply awesome stop-motion effects bringing them to life, both elements contributing to why I think the movie still holds up. Stephen Dorff shows that he was a pretty good actor even as a child and I'm glad he's starting to get notice again. Meanwhile, Louis Tripp looks like the type of kid to collect skulls from the neighborhood cats and his character seems like he's not far off from it. I really wish I had been able to catch this growing up because I think I would have enjoyed it even more and could see my friends and I getting scared by it late at night. Sights within: -Whoops. Sorry I parked my dead dog in that sacrificial chamber. -Playing heavy metal backwards, the scourge of parents in the 1980's nationwide. -World's only upright, murderous naked mole rats. -It's a giant salamander with Ewok arms! Run! -Barbie leg abuse. -So one night they float Stephen Dorff across the room into the fucking wall and the next day they don't believe anything MTV doesn't approve of? ADD sets in early. -Soon to be remade by Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellant Adventure! -God, I miss stop-motion. Grade: B
41. I saw this in the theater back when it opened but hadn't come back to it since, even though I remember enjoying it. I felt like watching something that required as little thought as possible to enjoy and this seemed to fit the bill. It's a giant homage to '50's bug flicks, which is always right up my alley, and feels like a true light-hearted throwback to those days. It's corny, goofy, and derpy but I think it all fits together just right. The main problem is they could have at least tried something new with the story rather than relying on the exact same story beats that so many other similar movies have used. Hell, Syfy uses the exact same script every week, only changing the type of creature and setting. You predict everything before it happens. Still, it's hard to flat-out hate on the movie, and those that do are probably just doing it because they feel like they're expected to. David Arquette is enjoyable but probably would have played a little better if he wasn't so consciously restraining himself. Doug E. Doug (wow, what the hell happened to that guy) does get annoying after so long but the rest of the movie is still worth watching just to see the campy CGI rampage. Sights within: -Spider abuse. -World's most unwarranted obsession with anal probes. -What was once the greatest assault on extreme sports dipshits by arachnids which was eventually topped by the work of genius that is Ice Spiders. -Betcha Scarlett Johansson is leaving this one off her resume. Meanwhile, Arquette's putting it right after Scream. It's funny seeing people's different world views. -Probably the last fucking time Kari Wurher will be seen on the silver screen. -Giant spiders apparently make the exact same noises Gremlins make. Grade: B
42. Back when I saw this in the theater, I had no idea this would be starting a new generation's main horror franchise. Yeah, the Saw series made more money overall, but this series is looked upon a lot more fondly and for good reason as 3 out of the 4 are pretty damn good movies. Somehow, out of the last decade where "recycle and reuse" has become a mantra for the entire genre, a series of films that took a novel approach (well, almost, Sole Survivor says hello) where the killer is never seen, almost the defining characteristic for a slasher movie, and inserted a supernatural presence into the dead-teenager genre and thrived while the rest of the horror field was chewed up, abused, and spit out. This one still holds up as being the best written and has the most fleshed out story. It takes just enough time to know the characters before the initial event so that the rest of the movie actually matters, making the unpredictable kill scenes mean just that little bit more. A rare highlight from the current age of Hollywood horror. Sights within: -Play the game of "Guess What Director the Character Was Named After," or "G.W.D.C.W.N.A" for short. -Stifler abuse. -World's most unexpected appearance by a bus. -One of Tony Todd's last relevant appearances before becoming another pawn in Lionsgate's straight to video game. -Be very thankful the ending was changed from what's in the bonus features on the dvd. Grade: A-
43. A rare sequel that lives up to the original, to the point that one can actually sit down and debate which one is better. I think I give the original the edge just because this one's more shallow on its characters which I find more important than the vicious kill scenes which easily outdo the first one. When I saw this in the bargain theater, the highway scene had me by throat and is easily one of the most horrifying car crash sequence in a film. When it was over I found myself actually breathing hard, something that doesn't happen very often when watching a movie. The individual kill scenes felt much more sadistic than anything found in the first one, almost as if it was taking as much pleasure in the deaths as we were. It's not a very deep movie, but it's just so damn fun to watch. Sights within: -Has there been a more fitting use of a song than "Highway to Hell" in this? -Fucking spaghetti. -World's worst trip to the dentist. -Death by fencing. -Barbecue abuse. Grade: B+
44. This one actually holds up better than I thought it would. At this point, they have the formula down and they don't seem intent on changing it up very much, but it was nice that they still put in the effort to have some kind of fully rounded characters and let them come to their own conclusions naturally, unlike another film in the same series. The roller coaster scene doesn't have the same impact as the other two and feels like it could have had some more bite than what they wanted to put in to the movie. The only real new thing added is a different way to predict the deaths by photographs, something that includes the audience in guessing what will happen next and helps keep interest. They didn't seem to have anything to add to the mythos which is probably why the initial ending feels like a letdown at first as it mainly treads through stuff we've already known, but the final scene of the movie makes up for it in spades. Not as good as the first two, but still a worthy contender. Sights within: -At least Tony Todd appears somewhere in the damn movie. -Tanning bed abuse. -The first time I watched this, it took me until three days later to realize that guy was from Ginger Snaps. -World's most unexpected scene involving an engine. -Nail gun massacre. -Yeah, but subway's are always a bitch. -The DVD has a feature that plays like those old Choose Your Own Adventure books where you can change the outcomes of some character's deaths, though I still haven't futzed with it yet. Grade: B
45. By now, they're simply going through the motions required to get their coin. It starts out with the main disaster scene but doesn't bother with any effort spent trying to set it up and maybe provide some sort of characters to enjoy. It serves up what most people came for, messy and outrageous deaths, cold and bitter almost as though the movie felt resentful for what it was created for. You want someone squished? HERE! ENJOY! The whole sequence feels lazy and uninspired, and it doesn't get any better from there. The characters are so generic it feels like you're watching cardboard cutouts float across the screen, save for two instances where the security guard spits out chunks of characterization that feels completely out of place in a film as vapid as this. The premonition scenes are asinine CGI blurps spit out from 1997 which foretell the mostly boring death scenes. The only bit that was kind of impressive was the escalator scene but even that was pretty worthless in the context of the story. Not once in the entire movie do you get the impression that anyone anywhere put forth some sort of effort in it. Sights within: -Deaths by chunk of cement. That's how imaginative things get here. -I was really looking forward to seeing rednecks crushed and burned at a NASCAR disaster and got nothing. Not one flaming mullet anywhere. -World's most inopportune time to lay out a sob story masquerading as characterization. -Death by being slowly dragged and somehow catching fire. Laziest death in the whole franchise. -They try to copy the bus hit from the first one and fail miserably. -Butt-suck. -Escalator abuse. -It's sad when the opening and closing credits are the only things worth seeing in the entire movie. -If you watch the Blu-ray in 3-D, you're going to see the world with a blue and pink tint for the better part of the day after you take off the glasses. Grade: D+
46. This was the first time I watched this since the theater and it still holds up fairly well. For a movie that for the most part takes place in one room with one character, John Cusack has the unenviable task of carrying the entire movie on his shoulders and aptly does so. His brings a dejected and cynical sensibility to the movie and manages to make even what would be even the dull sequences funny and entertaining. Samuel Jackson is great in what's not more than a glorified cameo which is a same since there's great chemistry when both Cusack and him are on screen together. Outside of a few effective jump-scares, the movie's not really scary per se, but it does manage to remain compelling throughout which is a testament to the writing and directing considering it takes place in one small room. The only misstep the film takes is even more annoying on a second viewing, though. It tries to take a switcheroo chronologically, which I hate those kind of cheap fake-outs in any film, and manages to stop the movie dead in its tracks when it had been doing a great job of going full steam ahead. Any momentum is lost and I could almost physically feel myself losing interest. Once it comes back it ends on a high note but I can only imagine how much better it would have been without the previous five minutes or so. Other than that, I'd say this is one of the better ghost stories in recent years. Sights within: -"It's an evil fucking room." -Mini-fridge abuse. -The ol' old-guy-in-a-vent gag. -World's most sinister pillow mints. -The second movie of this challenge Stephen King-based story with a guy on a ledge. -The theatrical ending is the one to go with. The others all feel even more predictable. Grade: B
47. Another of the Spanish 6 Films to Keep You Awake, this one comes across not so much scary as bittersweet. It reminded me more of the Stephen King stories that would leave you with more of a sad yet warm feeling rather than trying to frighten you. A old man returns to where he met his first love as a teenager and faces the consequences of what he caused long ago. The beginning takes a while to get going but the story becomes more interesting as you watch more of the characters. There are a few jump-scares throughout but it's more concerned with the depressing atmosphere teetering on the edges of the story and relies on what you have invested for the finale's payoff to work. It's a simple tale, but the patience utilized by both the filmmakers and the viewer make it worth it. Sights within: -World's most asshole friends. -Religion. It's a bitch. -This guy gets possessive rather quick, don't you think? -Timeline abuse. Grade: B+
48. Considering I have nothing but spite for the director, this movie came out better than I thought it would. It's still nothing but a hodgepodge of other recent, better movies, but it's still competently made with a few great set pieces. A town's water supply gets corrupted and makes everyone go...crazy. Hence the name. I haven't seen Romero's original yet (despite owning it for about three years now) so I can't tell you which one's better and I can't really even guess. This one suffers a bit much from the "me-too"'s and from what I hear of the original, it's not one of Romero's better efforts. This one starts out really interesting with the small town becoming infected, but when the government gets involved, it loses a lot of focus and begins to feel too cliche. Involving government or police interference just seems like a lazy way to bring forth conflict in storytelling and I really haven't seen anything new done with it in decades and the same goes for this one. Yes, they're bad and they're everywhere. We get it. We got it years ago. The movie even seems to forget about the actual crazies for long stretches and instead showcases the army as the real villains, which maybe they were going for some kind of allegory but guess what? It's been done. After a while, it feels like the movie's just looking for shit to do, hopping from one idea to the next. There's a couple of well made confrontations before a ludicrous ending brings it back down a peg. There's a lot of potential here but it gets lost in a sea of cliches. If it had strived for something new, it could have been a new classic. Sights within: -When Bill Paxton's unavailable, you call in Timothy Olyphant. -Somebody's poisoned the waterhole! -World's most abundant jump-scares, averaging out to about one every three minutes. -Down at the car wash, yeah! -Bonesaw abuse. -Even while suffering mental deterioration, rednecks will hunt. -World's most tense moments involving a pitchfork. Grade: B-
49. Yeah, we're just gonna move past the director's personal life and try to focus on the movie itself, alright? A brother and sister are traveling home when they're marked by something that hunts the backroads. I've always really liked this movie, probably stemming from my habits of going for walks in the middle of the nowhere at 3 in the morning. When you're all alone in that situation, any shadow, any turn in the road, can be hiding something you can't even imagine. It's the closest I've come to in my life where I feel as though there's something out there, evil or not. This is the only film that comes close to capturing that feeling for me in a movie. No other film has caught that subtle feeling of being in the woods at night such as the scene that takes place on the cat lady's yard. Some elements come across as silly (that psychic lady comes straight from Exposition'R'Us) but I still find the movie fairly frightening, with the dark streak of humor coming at just the right time. The movie's shot incredibly well and is another example of how having patience lends so much to a horror movie. Salva uses foreground and background elements to great effect, such as the Creeper's truck riding up to blare its horn at just the right second. The creature design is probably one of the only truly imaginative designs in the last few decades. It was instantly iconic to me and still makes me wish monster movies would come back en vogue as I think there's some wonderful things waiting to happen. Sights within: -World's most psychotic horn. -Wall o' bodies. -Siouxsie & the Banshees abuse. -Slippin' some tongue. -Crazy cat ladies are real! -It's nice seeing the cops actually seeing this thing and fighting it versus the disbelieving dolts of most movies. Grade: B+
50. Two words: Ray Wise. He rocks like nobody's business. The rest of the movie isn't as good as I remembered it being, but Ray Wise makes it all worth it. The opening scene is great as it sets it up for the Creeper's final days of feeding before hibernation. Unfortunately, after the opening corn field scene, we get stuck with a bus load of dumbasses as their bus breaks down and become fodder for the Creeper. There is not one character on that bus worth a shit and any bit of dialog from their mouths just makes you want to cringe. There's all the stock archetypes that the first one managed to avoid so well, which is the only way you can even somewhat tell them apart. It's novel idea, but I don't think much time was spent on the writing after the initial ripping-off-Hitchcock's-Lifeboat concept as the only character that doesn't induce groans is Ray Wise, who brings a sense of class and earnestness with just a touch of humor as he hunts the Creeper. Their showdown around the bus is easily the highlight of the film and feels like it should have been the climax of the film, but it continues on to a pretty lethargic chase scene where the main issue is you still don't know who most of those people are. The film's shot as well as the first, but nothing really stands out like several moments in the original. The Creeper was somewhat redesigned with subtle tweaks to the face and body, but I prefer his original look a bit better. The only other saving grace to the film besides Wise is it retains the sense of humor that shone through the first time out. When the Creeper is marking his targets through the bus window, you can't help but laugh at the glee covering his face. The final scene does a great job of setting up another sequel which I hope we do see, if nothing else but to see more of Wise and the Creeper himself. Sights within: -World's biggest chowder head characters. -The head regeneration bit was just a touch too much. -Wicked Creeper-star. -Really letting loose with the fact that he can fly, huh? -Psychic vision abuse. Some blonde falls asleep and gets visions just for the sake of exposition? Not needed. -Creeper, meet fencepost. Grade: C
51. If you had told me that there exists a movie more batshit insane than Spider Baby, I would have called you a bald-faced liar and stolen your wallet. But guess what? It exists and this is it. Some...family (I'm still not sure on the specifics) brings home new "playmates" and tries to incorporate them into the family, with the newest playmate striking a rift between the other family members. It's kind of hard to explain what the hell's going on in this movie as nothing has any sort of rational sense. Every character's out of their fucking mind; from the nanny who sleeps at the foot of the mother's bed like a puppy to the brother and sister that still play Cowboys and Indians even though they're well into their twenties. Every line of dialog is a slice of lunacy delivered like it's gospel and every scene is devoid of any form of sense at all. There is simply no refuge from the fucking craziness of this film. Because of that, it's deliriously entertaining. Once you settle in to the tone of the movie in the first few minutes, you get sucked in by the lunacy and end up laughing the whole way through. The ending's just a little too open-ended, but you'll be in such a state of delirium you won't even care. This is one of film's unheralded gems and is definitely worth tracking down a copy, brought forth from the sister company of Code Red (who can do no wrong), Scorpion Releasing, though apparently I already owned this on VHS. Sights within: -What exactly are "milkies and bickies?" -This is the type of movie Rob Zombie wishes he could make if he had even the slightest bit of class. -World's only toilet puppet. -Castor oil abuse. -Nanny stew. -You can only wonder about the origins of this family, and then realize there isn't a writer that lived that can come up with an appropriate one. Grade: A
52. This movie is an exercise in pure suspense from the opening scene. The first time I watched this, I spent most of the time in awe of how it wastes no time on anything other than what's needed for the sake of tension. No extraneous characterization, just enough to get you to care about who you're watching, and no extraneous subplots. It's just Rutger Hauer making life miserable for C. Thomas Howell for its entire running time. There's enough room for the viewer to come up with all kinds of theories about what's going on if they fell like it, or they can just watch it simply as it is and it wouldn't diminish the film either way. By the time it ends, it's captured the feeling of a pronounced fever dream where you can see logic slipping away as Hauer and Howell come together to finish their tale and creates an experience I haven't seen many films able to recapture. Sights within: -If Rutger Hauer's cupping your balls, you're gonna have a bad time. -World's most literal definition of "tractor-pull." -Finger fries. -Police officer abuse. -A helicopter downed by a pistol. -Why does Hauer constantly sweat more than anyone else? Hmmmmm.... -Why does Hauer always have bleeding knuckles, alternating from bandages to bare knuckles randomly? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............... Grade: A-
53. I didn't think a movie could more pointless than The X-Files: I Want to Believe, but apparently I was wrong. C. Thomas Howell returns only to be wasted as the movie turns out to be about Kari Wuhrer being hounded by Jake Busey's teeth. This thing has no reason for existing, and in doing so creates an existential crisis in the viewer. If the movie shouldn't exist, should we, the viewer, exist? If nothing of value is displayed on screen, what are we watching? How can a movie with no story have a beginning, middle, and end? Can something with no beginning even have some sort of end? A movie like this causes you to question the art of storytelling at its most base level. There is nothing resembling a human being in this film nor any sort of logical action or thought. It just exists on its own plane of reality where people can actually buy into all of this bullshit. How? How does a train wreck like this happen? Did someone actually sit down, write this, and step away when all was said and done and felt good about themselves? Stay away. If you value your sanity and your love of film, stay far the fuck away from this. Sights within: -Jake Busey in a wig is a sight straight from Hell itself. -World's most orange film. -The diner scene is one of the most inept and worthless action scenes ever filmed. -C. Thomas Howell abuse. -The original is open-ended in a way to add atmosphere, this one is open-ended so as to oblige lazy writing. -Absurdly funny finger self-mutilation. Grade: F+
Movies Watched: 9 -Donkey Punch -Triangle -My Name is Bruce (Blu) -The Gate -The Final Destination (Blu) -Spectre -The Crazies (Blu) -Girly (VHS) -The Hitcher 2 New Movies Bought: 0 Unseen DVDS: 3214 Unseen Blu-rays: 65 Unseen VHS: 120 Unseen DVD-R'S: 5
The rants and ramblings of a lifelong film freak whose world was forever twisted by his obsession with home video. He must now tackle his growing pile of unwatched films before it consumes his whole life.
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