Forbidden Benjamin of the Blood Beast

This concludes the giant batch of movies I've been trying to get caught up on. I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands so I'm going to be spending the remainder of the year trying to reach a certain goal I set for myself which I've already started on, but I'll save the details of that for a separate post. For now, it's the typical garbage.




You combine Woody Allen with Larry David, and I'm fucking there. Larry plays what feels like a spiritual cousin to me; a man so cynical, it burns just to listen to him. Imagine his role on Curb Your Enthusiasm but instill a whole new level of hate in his heart and that's what you're seeing here. He falls for what could only be the most perfect definition of a polar opposite, forcing him to deal with the humanity he so desperately shuns. Larry doesn't come across as the best actor in the film, but his barbs are so funny and caustic you won't really notice much. The rest if the movie falters whenever the focus is taken off of him. The whole thing begins to come across as some off-Broadway play after a while and the characters really start taking left turns out of nowhere just so there can be some laughs at the big wrap up. Normally this would bug the hell out of me, but the strength of the Boris character is so good, I could easily overlook it.
Sights within:
-World's most unexpected, yet funny, suicide attempt.
-People start and end relationships at the drop of a hat here.
-I could watch an entire movie that consists solely of Larry David insulting children at a chess table if I could.
-What a tidy little wrap up.
Grade: B-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Even though the subject matter is way more fucked-up than anything in Mr. Vengeance or Oldboy, I didn't find this as hard hitting as the other two films in the trilogy. Park spends more time on an intricately thought out plot than on his amazing directorial style, even though his worst directing is leagues better than almost anything we have to offer. The eponymous character is released from prison and sets about her path to revenge, not realizing just how deep that will take her. The film's climax twists you inside. You want to root for these guys and what they're doing, but it's handled with such a patient and somber attitude that you begin to doubt whether it truly is the right thing to do. I find this to be my least favorite of the Vengeance trilogy, but that doesn't make this any less of an engrossing, superbly made trip of a movie.
Sights within:
-World's most abstract gun, outside of Videodrome.
-The poor puppy.
-One of the best opening credits.
-The humor in Park's films always makes you feel awful for laughing.
-They did a great job of making Oldboy into a truly despicable person.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Or SPL as it's known around the rest of the world. The difference between our action movies and Hong Kong action movies is that they have actual skill in filming fight scenes as well as usually trying to deliver a story that makes you think. This film presents a typical cobs and bad guys tale, but spends most of its time twisting you on who you should actually be caring about. This isn't a film about blacks and whites but about the different levels of grays. The bad guys have families and the cops falsify evidence, it's a constant switch on the definitions of what is a "good guy" and what is a "bad guy." The action scenes are amazing and put to shame the fight scenes we have in our films. Donnie Yen specifically tears ass whenever he's allowed to. Yet, the movie isn't about the fights. They're simply how these men do business. A great film that has gone completely ignored in this country.
Sights within:
-Sammo Hung pretty much destroys the general idea of what a fat man can do.
-Doesn't it look like Donnie Yen is wearing too much chap-stick throughout the movie?
-World's coolest knife fight.
-An ending that will leave you blinking in silence for a couple of minutes. Wow.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ouch. A movie so down and dirty, you'll wince. This is like a Chan Wook Park film that's more concerned with grit than style. The whole movie feels dirty, thanks to a run-down film look and the nastiness of the story itself. A man raised as an assassin from childhood runs afoul of the team of detectives determined to bring him down, even as he discovers his own humanity. The fight scenes aren't about pulling off cool stunts. They're brutal, hitting hard and fast. As the supposed bad guy of the film brings himself into the light, the primary cop chasing him begins to slip down into the darkness, obsessed with catching the killer. This film would feel right at home in the gritty cinema of the 70's. It's completely free of the typical bullshit found in similar films and actually rattled me a little for a few days afterwards. Definitely worth hunting down.
Sights within:
-I don't think I've ever seen a crime movie feel so hopeless for every character within.
-World's most bizarre love story.
-Cement blocks hurt.
-Edison Chan acts the hell out of this movie, while barely saying anything.
-You'll feel like you need a shower once the movie ends.
-And speaking of which, how can such a disturbing ending have even the slimmest glimmer of hope like this one does?
Grade: A-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One I had seen scenes from here and there over the years, but I had never sat down and watched it from start to finish before. One of the biggest strengths of the film is how it gets across how these people were so admired. They're funny and eschew charisma wherever they go. It's not hard to imagine why these criminals became such celebrities, before the days where you're a celebrity first and then you're a criminal. Everyone in the movie seems to be having fun, until its infamous ending kicks the air out of you. The violence may not seem that bad to viewers today but its liberal use of killing was pretty jarring compared to the westerns and the like from around the same period. Just pure entertainment the whole way through.
Sights within:
-World's most out of nowhere appearance from Gene Wilder.
-Gene Hackman hamming it up.
-It took a while for me to notice, but yeah, that's Lucille Bluth.
-It's hard coming up with snarky remarks for a movie this solid.
-The ending probably would have been more surprising if a thousand fucking places hadn't ruined it time and time again over the years.
Grade: A-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



It's funny how no matter how much things change, there's always patterns that return. During the 3-D phase of the 50's, the studio forced Hitchcock to film this one in 3-D if he wanted to get it made, something currently plaguing filmmakers today. I'm sure Louis Leterrier has some unkind words about the conversion process being slapped on movies now. You can tell Hitchcock had no patience for this shit and almost as a "fuck you" to the studio, decided to stick a lamp in the forefront of almost every scene, providing the film's "depth" required to thrill 3-D patrons. Seriously, almost every scene leaves wondering why the fuck that lamp is jutting out in the middle of the frame until you realize how the movie was originally filmed. The story itself is a typical murder caper with various plots and revelations going on until the big reveal through a long stream of quick dialog hits. It's entertaining enough, even if it does feel like a stage play (which it came from), but it doesn't stick out as a particularly remarkable film, compared to other Hitchcock films at least.
Sights within:
-World's biggest dipshit of a mystery writer.
-I'm still baffled at why a studio demanded that a talky suspense movie where 98% of the film takes place in one of two rooms be filmed in 3-D.
-I like how the intended murderer is treated like a piece of scum from the start.
-Really, I'm surprised the lamps didn't get screen credit. They were the center of more shots than some of the actors.
Grade: B



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



This is more of what I expect from a Hitchcock film. The visuals are as meticulous as clockwork and the story is nice and taut, with touches of Hitch's streak of dark comedy. Robert Walker as Bruno comes across as a demented mix of Jack Lemmon and Kevin Spacey, stealing every one of his scenes as a psycho that commits a murder in exchange for another. His would-be co-conspirator comes across as a clod but Walker more than makes up for it. You can't help but laugh at him even as he gets under your skin. The story takes more than a few turns with the plot but never gets out of hand or ridiculous. The big finale is a showstopper that comes across as impressive even today. One of the best Hitchcock films I've seen yet.
Sights within:
-The shot of Walker in the tennis stands is one of the most jarring shots Hitchcock filmed.
-Hitchcock managed to find not one but two actresses that could pass themselves off as turtles.
-You can tell he's bad because he doesn't like children's balloons.
-World's most psycho carousel ride.
Grade: A



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I had caught chunks of this back when TNT and TBS were awesome. The main thing I had remembered after all these years was the monster attack, not knowing that it was pretty much near the end of the film. That one scene actually creeped me out one late night back in '92 (I know this because they were spamming the commercials with TV spots for Bram Stoker's Dracula at the time) and burrowed itself in with all of the rest of the major childhood cinema memories. Watching it today, it's still somewhat unsettling. Not so much for the same monster attack, but for the scenes following it. The whole movie throws you off center just with the music score alone. It's not performed with the typical orchestral arrangements but entirely of computerized beeps and whistles. I'm not sure if it's the absolute first movie to use such a score, but it's the earliest that I know. The droning and psychotropic tones start to dig in only moments into the movie. The movie has a lot of the standard sci-fi elements of the time; a rocketship, a slew of crew members playing their respective stock characters, and its own take on scientific mumbo-jumbo. However, the story is one of more intelligence than other films of the time. It avoids being simply about aliens and lasers and goes into the true fears of mankind. A truly great film.
Sights within:
-Robby the Robot, such a likable character, the studio would reuse him in other unrelated films.
-Lt. Frank Drebin before the hair went gray.
-World's largest pile of whiskey.
-The monster's still cool.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Another one of those movies where I've seen just about the whole thing but never watched it from start to finish before, which is especially weird when you factor in how much of a Carpenter nut I am. It's pretty much what I expected, Kurt's awesome, score's awesome, and everyone's throwing machismo like it fell off the back of a truck. The main thing that struck me watching it now was how low-key it was. Russell seems to take the movie at a leisurely pace and everyone else seems to match him. Even the wrestling scene felt kind of slow which I don't know if it was because the movie was going at a slow pace or it was just a hot afternoon and I was a little out of it anyways. The movie's cool enough, but I'd rate it around the middle of Carpenter's oeuvre.
Sights within:
-A British President of the United States.
-Who could hate Harry Dean Stanton?
-Tom Atkins!
-I'm betting they didn't have to dress New York up too much at the time.
-World's most rockin' eye-patch.
-The sequel's about as much of a 180 as you can get.
Grade: B-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Warner Brothers wanted to turn Robby the Robot into a household name and after Forbidden Planet, they tried to find other projects to place him in. His next movie turned out to be just as enjoyable as the film that wrought Robby, but in an entirely different way. The leading mathematicians in the U.S. has created the world's smartest computer, one that also happens to be the size of a Winnebago. This computer has tricked its creators into upgrading it to the point of instilling sentient thought into the machine and awakened a desire for world domination. The computer works through the head mathematician's son and his pet robot as well taking over the mind's of others. This was just a really enjoyable sci-fi flick with a surprising amount of laughs. The characters in this are so offbeat they lend a wholly different tone than that of the usual 50's robots and spaceship movies. There's nothing life-changing here or anything, but it sure as shit is fun. Modern films can learn a little something about entertainment value here.
Sights within:
-The world's snarkiest little boy. I swear he was from the heart of the Bronx while the rest of his family was pure-bread Kansas.
-Despite the title, the whole "invisible boy" angle isn't a major factor here.
-Oh look, it's Heinlein's Puppet Masters.
-World's coolest future kite.
-The family dinner scenes are fucking hilarious.
-Here's something you won't hear from me too often: I could see a decent remake from this, assuming they kept the breezy tone intact.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Wow. I really tried to like this one. The trailers and all of the talk at the time it was out just made it seem like nothing but Oscar bait so I never watched it. I picked up the Criterion Blu for cheap and it's been sitting here like a sore thumb so I figured I'd throw it on and give it a chance now that the hub-bub's died down. Nope, it still reeks of pretentiousness and "look how important this is." Like I said, I tried to like it. I'm usually a sucker for nostalgic period films with schmaltzy plots. I'm old-school like that. But it just felt like every thing about this was lifted from other better Oscar winning movies and nothing really clicked with me as it's own, outside of the backwards age gimmick. And then literally nothing happens for what had to have been about an hour. I might have cared a little more if the Cate Blanchett and Brad Pitt relationship was interesting, but it only seemed as though they wanted each other because this type of movie decreed it. I'd say at least Brad Pitt was good, but he really only delivered simple lines at a slow pace. By the time it was nearing the end, I was dying for it to be over. Not only is it the worst David Fincher movie by a mile as well as edging out Kicking and Screaming as my least favorite movie in the Criterion Collection, it's also the biggest piece of pretentious, big-budget Oscar bait since Cinderella Man.
Sights within:
-World's laziest assortment of theatrical posters. The one posted is the best one, and even that probably took all of ten minutes of planning. The Blu-ray cover? Puke. The worst in the entire Criterion Collection.
-I didn't understand one fucking thing Cate Blanchett mumbled when she was in the hospital.
-The movie really only felt alive when either Jared Harris or Taraji P. Henson is onscreen. Jason Flemyng wasn't bad either.
-The effects sucked. I'm sorry. I don't know if it was because I watched the Blu on a big-screen HDTV, but any computer effects looked like they were thrown on top of the film.
-That's another thing, I already can't stand movies being shot on digital. Every time the camera moved quick or it was a night scene, it reminded me of how inferior digital cameras still are.
-I have no problem with 3+ hour movies if they're interesting, but this fucking thing felt like it was ebbing my life away, one second at a time.
-World's best opening WB logo. It was all downhill from there.
Grade: D



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There's never a bad time for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Cooking, cleaning, lounging, whatever you're doing it can always bettered with a little MST3K. This concerns an alien coming to Earth to reproduce and help its race survive, typical 50's square jawed machismo and women in trouble follows. The film pretty much hands itself on a platter to the riff-crew just with the alien's procreation methods alone. Another great episode.
Sights within:
-World's only man pregnant with shrimp babies.
-I swear that monster's fought the Power Rangers.
-Yet another movie that could have inspired Alien, minus the shrimp.
-It's all about Steve.
Grade: B



Movies Watched: 12
-Whatever Works
-Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
-Kill Zone
-Dog Bite Dog
-Bonnie and Clyde
-Dial M for Murder
-Strangers on a Train
-Forbidden Planet
-Escape From New York
-The Invisible Boy
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Blu)
-Night of the Blood Beast - MST3K Version
New Movies Bought: 4
-Let It Ride
-Wrong Turn 3
-Man on Wire
-Tell Tale
Unseen DVDS: 3219
Unseen Blu-rays: 70
Unseen VHS: 120
Unseen DVD-R'S: 5


Baby come back
Make yourself whole

World's Most Long-Winded Update

Here it is, one big ass, honkin' update. One more like this and I'll be completely caught up, yet I'm sure there's not a damn person out there who'll actually read all of this. Hope you enjoy it, all two of you, even if you only skim through it.



Part of a double feature with last post's Swamp Girl, this is another film to make you feel even worse in the balmy days of summer. Sweat and grime permeate every frame, causing your shirt to stick to your back just out of empathy. I think this was another film where they were hoping the theme song would be the hook for viewers, snaring viewers with a catchy jingle. It opens with the eponymous diddy and throws out a fresh tune at about every six minutes or so, all sung Baker Knight, a blonde haired curly-q with crisp flannel and a hound-dog expression for every scene. The film concerns a rather rotund man mistaken for a murderer who makes a break for it in the Okefenokee, living it Man Vs. Wild style. The law hunts him down while the real murderers are going about their business. There's a love triangle with the mushface singer, the sheriff, and the town's (swamp's?) only white trash teenage girl. The movie's fairly entertaining, even if you're only laughing at the absurdity of some of it. It's the kind of movie that's perfect to watch on a hot night with a beer, maybe break out the gumbo to go along with it. I spent a lot of time laughing while it was on, but looking back, I like it a lot more than I thought I did until I sat down to type this. It's on the same double feature disc from Something Weird with Swamp Girl and another short film about swamp trash. Swamp Country also had the best transfer on the disc, with the colors and scratches reminding me of the movies I used to watch on the oddball UHF channels that'd come in with bad reception. Fun times.
Sights within:
-World's most out of shape survivalist.
-BEAR ATTACK!
-Panther attack?
-Wait, are there even any panthers in the Okefenokee?
-Look around anytime Baker Knight is singing. You will see nothing but disgust and contempt on every other actor's face, everyone of them probably daydreaming about smashing that guitar in the dwarf's face.
-Quicksand that is literally quick, compared to other movies where the person in danger has time to eat a sandwich before being pulled under.
Grade: C+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



What happens when two millionaire brothers decide to use the Hell's Angels as cover for robbing Caesar's Palace in Vegas? A kick-ass time and gratuitous bike riding. These two middle aged guys somehow integrate themselves into the infamous biker gang by slapping an old guy's car and are treated as guests during their trek through the desert, proving that, hey, these guys aren't so bad after all. You see, this film was created with cooperation with the real Hell's Angels, who vetoed anything they didn't approve of. The leader of the Angels, Sonny Barger, pretty much plays himself along with his real life buddies. Obviously, with those cooks in the kitchen, the movie paints a somewhat different picture than what reality was for the Angels, but I think that works in favor of the movie. You come to like just about every person in the movie, making the last third of the movie actually matter and mean something. The story's interesting enough to keep the movie moving, and even when there's nothing really happening, the fun of the characters at least make it seem like something's going on. I do think it would have been better to keep the robbery aspect a surprise until it actually occurs rather than stating it up front in the opening moments of the film, though there is one more twist at the end that I thought was a nice touch. If the idea of throwing in the original Ocean's 11 with a 60's biker flick sounds like a fun time, well, that's because it is.
Sights within:
-These guys look like they should be golfing, not biking.
-Apparently within biker culture, old ladies get traded like sports cards.
-Sonny Barger, the most enjoyable non-actor around.
-Vegas as it was, not as it is.
-Bikers that trade in their Harley's for dirt-bikes when it's ass-kicking time.
-World's most low-key casino robbery.
-Biker rumble!
-Biker stunts!
-Biker justice!
-For extra fun, check out the Joe Bob Briggs commentary on the disc.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I've found that as I go along, my patience for short horror films has dwindled to almost nothing (ironic since I'm currently killing myself trying to get one made). It's just so so so so easy to make something horrible, and this dvd is filled with nothing but terrible. Atrocious, even. From awful video to bad sound to boring stories, there is nothing competent in anything this disc offers, other than the bonus feature of Clive Barker giving a tour of his studio, which has nothing to do with anything else on the fucking dvd and was filmed just as horrible as an interview/documentary could be. Plus, Rob fucking Zombie hosts the thing. Awful, just awful.
Sights within:
-World's most horrible collection of short films. Go get Small Gauge Trauma from Synapse instead.
-This is why you learn to love your fast-forward button.
-Fuck this thing.
Grade: F



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Yes, I still went ahead and watched the second, which I will admit was an improvement. The technical aspects were much better this time, which can probably be attributed to the advent of affordable DV cameras, but the stories still lack any real thought to them. They're still the same old cliches being used solely to get to any excuse for gore, entertainment be damned. The first short flat-out rips off every J-horror you've ever seen. It reeks of yuppies renting The Grudge and thinking they can make a movie too. The only short that stands out even a little was Paul Solet's "Means to an End," which has a good sense of humor but after a while it seems like he's trying too hard to show how cool his horror collection is in whatever shot he can which got annoying after a while. The best thing about this is there was never a third volume. Bleh.
Sights within:
-World's most...nah, I can't do it. It's just not worth it.
Grade: D
(This is what I felt like after watching these two fucking things.)



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



It's always hard to review a movie that I watched via the good graces of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Should I talk about the movie itself, which is often cut up and drowned out by the MSTie crew, or the episode itself? I think I tend to just mention how fun it was watching it and move on. I will say the movie itself is the kind of crap I would have hunted down anyways just because of Fred Williamson and Donald Pleasance even if it hadn't been lampooned on the show.
Sights within:
-World's most poorly written opening crawl, obviously an inspiration for Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark.
-World's most annoying talking motorcycle.
-World's most lush and pleasant post-apocalyptic wasteland.
-World's least threatening "megaweapon."
-There's a lot of records being broken here it seems.
Grade: B-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Another MST3K episode, this time poking fun at one of the most bizarre films made. This comes across one of the better episodes simply because the film gives them so damn much to work with. Sometimes you'll miss the jokes just because you'll be paying attention to the wackjob film itself. I don't even want to know where they got their abstractions of the Santa Claus legend.
Sights within:
-Never will you be more creeped out after you see how Santa watches the children of the world.
-World's most condensed parade of ethnic stereotypes within twenty minutes.
-The reindeer's laughter...
-World's most random appearance of fucking Merlin of all people.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Yet another MST3K episode, this time making fun of a movie that I didn't think was so bad. I could see this being a decent watch on its own. It's kind of rote, but it's as competent as any other 50's troubled-youth flick. However, the MST3K crew tear the movie up in one of their best episodes. Definitely the best episode in its respective boxset.
Sights within:
-Jack Elam, ye gods!
-World's earliest hidden gay-subtext in cinema.
-A murder, a false accusation, an unruly mob, and the unveiling of the truth, all in ten minutes. Amazing.
Grade: B+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Awful awful awful awful awful. This thing is a complete mess. Time-lines are butchered, lighting is nonexistent, and the sound is like a chainsaw in your ears. Nothing about this makes sense, or can even call itself entertainment. What's supposed to be a female vengeance movie becomes a complete clusterfuck which really makes you want to suck on a bottle of Drain-o after so long. I will say that this is the third movie which was so bad that I ended up watching it at 18x speed through the last half (Wicked Lake and Death Factory being the first two). I really can't keep going on about this thing without wanting to kill myself.
Sights within:
-World's most horrible Full Moon release, quite a feat.
-KILLLLLL MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Grade: F-
(For the benefit of all mankind, the trailer for this movie is not online. Count your blessings.)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A biker-chick-flick from H.G. Lewis that begins to lose its charm the longer it goes on. There's some fun at first, with the film turning every cliche of male bikers around by applying them to women who are just as ruthless and over the top as any other biker film. The women are the ones to treat men like objects, even having to tear the shit out of one of them when one of the girls actually falls for him. These sort of antics are fun and trashy, but after about forty minutes, the movie feels like it runs out of shit to do before an ending that's so anti-climatic, it's actually funny. This is a film that's probably more enjoyable after a few beers so I'm going to have to revisit it when I'm more "prepared."
Sights within:
-The world's safest, most organized biker run going about 25 mph in a 55 zone.
-A camera that doesn't seem to know what the fuck it's supposed to be looking at at any given time.
-Initiation by syrup. Why? Who fucking knows?
-World's most unexpected decapitation.
-Whitey, a character whose sexual innuendo will make you commit to celibacy.
Grade: D+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I believe this has the distinction of being the most recent movie to be filmed and then torn apart by the MST3K crew. Somehow, this movie escaped my detection back when I was eight and rented every damn thing that had to do with dinosaurs known to man (Carnosaur's a personal fave). Daniel Bernhardt, of syndicated television fame, escapes to our time, falls in with the folks at a halfway house, learns English within a day, and is chased by future-dinosaurs and Robert Z'Dar's cheeks. Nothing in the story makes sense, the ending takes places in dimly lit corridors like so many other 90's DTV titles, and everyone's wearing plaid; a perfect target for the Satellite of Love. A fun movie to make fun of, and even more fun when MST3K's doing it for you.
Sights within:
-Beginning credits that desperately wish they were Terminator 2's.
-World's most never-ending stream of carefully placed, empty cardboard boxes.
-Early 90's southern-Californian gang members vs. dinosaurs.
-World's most random tai chi workout.
-Daniel Bernhardt, a Jean Claude Van Damme for a Roger Corman age.
Grade: B



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Another target of MST3K that easily could have fit right in with every other movie I'd rent as a child if I had come across it. The movie consists of finding werewolf bones, Joe Estevez loses his shit over it, guy gets cut by werewolf bones, guy turns into werewolf. Done. It'd be painfully tedious if it wasn't for the additional commentary by the MST3K crew, and even then they get a little flat at times, as though it was work even making fun of the thing. Still, it's hard to ever call an episode of Mystery Science Theater "bad" as every one of them is entertaining.
Sights within:
-World's only skeleton with ear bones. Yep.
-Joe Estevez, the other Sheen meat.
-A security guard who's so good at his job, an occupation that is founded on the skills of observation, he doesn't even notice as he turns into a werewolf as he's driving.
-World's worst, most predictable "shock" ending that will leave you trying to give a shit.
Grade: B-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



An early-90's adaptation of the manga/anime, this thing's rooted in camp and B-level goodness. Mark Hamill plays grizzled detective #963347 investigating the murder of a scientist, who's daughter is dating the charisma-less putz who will become...The Guyver! Basically, it's guys in rubber suits beating the shit out of each other, which is also just an excuse for Screamin' Mad George to go apeshit on monster designs. The suits are probably the most over the top effects I've seen in a film. The impressive part was that they still functioned pretty decently in the fight scenes. The story's pretty typical of a Saturday morning cartoon, but thankfully the movie doesn't take itself seriously at all. Michael Berryman, Jimmie Walker, Hamill, and the others ham it up, making it one of the funnest B-movies I've seen in a while.
Sights within:
-Mark Hamill embracing his character's cliches with every ounce of gusto he's got.
-Movies have taught us to beware the twerp on a Vespa because they're the ones who turn into Spider-Man or a bloodthirsty alien monster that knows kung-fu.
-Is that Alice Cooper as the leader of the gang?
-World's most meta Linnea Quigley cameo.
-Jeffrey Combs! Yaaayy!
-Obligatory "Dy-no-mite!"
-It's like if the Power Rangers had sex with Green Jelly's "Three Little Pigs" video.
Grade: B



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I don't know if the filmmakers were embarrassed by the first one or what, but this one goes completely the opposite direction and not for the better. Immediately, this proclaims itself as being much more serious, shoving how violent and dark it wants to be down the viewer's throat immediately in the opening scene. Then there's like forty minutes of rambling (I'm not exaggerating either, this thing's over 120 minutes and I have no idea why) before anything else happens. Apparently, when you want your movie to be taken seriously, you have to make it boring as fuck to watch. Not a single character shows so much of a second of personality anywhere in this thing leaving only the fight scenes to look forward to, which are far in between. And, honestly, I've seen better in Power Rangers episodes. For some reason, this one is held in high regards around fan circles online and I have no idea why. The first one was great, guilty fun while this made me wish for bone cancer just so I could have something to do.
-David Hayter, the wax statue impersonating a human being and playing The Guyver, would later go on the be the voice of Solid Snake in the Metal Gear games and write the scripts for the first two X-men movies. So what the hell happened here?
-There was a grand total of two sounds for the monsters' grunts.
-World's only film to have its grand, sci-fi, epic battle in the wilds of ...Utah. Whoopdedoo.
-"The Guyver 3: The Mormon Elite He's in town with a few wives to marry..."
Grade: D



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There hasn't been very many men that can measure up to William Castle. The combination of his knockout ability to churn out pure entertainment one after another coupled with the fact that he was one of the most likable people on the planet, full of grace and charm, made him one of the legendary filmmakers that will always be remembered, and this film does him justice. He may not stand up there with the likes of Kubrick or Spielberg but, to me anyways, his career outshines either one. The documentary traces his life, with all of the ups and downs. One thing the film does great is that it brings who Castle was and gets his personality and what makes him tick so well that by the end of the movie, you'll feel as though you knew him yourself. The one thing I'd say against the film is that it sticks to the conventions of the biographical documentary pretty closely, but at the same time, if it works why screw with it? Very entertaining and and a worthy tribute to one of my heroes.
Sights within:
-The world's best "B" director (sorry, Corman, it's true).
-Someone needs to release that damn mime movie now!
-You can't help but wonder how things would have turned out if Castle had directed Rosemary's Baby.
-This comes in a boxset along with 13 Frightened Girls, 13 Ghosts, Homicidal, Strait-Jacket, The Old Dark House, Mr. Sardonicus, The Tingler, and Zotz!, pretty much the best investment you could ever make.
Grade: A-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



This...is a weird one. It basically amounts to a biker film that's fit for the Lifetime Movie Network. It starts out typically, even if it's preloaded with exposition. Angel gets out of prison after ratting out his ex-fellow gang members and makes a run for it with his ex-hooker girlfriend before they hunt him down and beat the hell out of him. The first twenty minutes or so are interesting enough. The gang members find Angel and chase him down, forcing him and his girlfriend to escape by train in a great chase sequence set at the train yards. The scene has some great stunts and the editing is stylish before it was hip to be Steven Soderbergh, making the movie move in a rhythm that really gets you going. It's followed up by a tense scene on a train filled with nutballs and you just can't help but think that it just keeps getting better. But then, it falls like a fucking stone. Suddenly, about fifty minutes go by and the only thing that happens is that Angle and his wife play house while he gets a job on a sheep ranch. That's it. It becomes a marital drama about a biker and his hooker. I'm not kidding. Then, in the last ten minutes the gang members show back up just in time for what the movie considers an ending but I consider it a limp roll past the finish line. Talking about getting the wind knocked out of your sails.
Sights within:
-World's biggest asshole of a protagonist.
-It just kills me that the chase on the train yards is soooooooooo good and then the movie lays a Cleavland Steamer right after it.
-You were gonna rape my gal, but hey, that's in the past. What a putz.
-Okay, so at this point, there has to have been at least months that have passed by, and these guys are still scouring the countryside? Is this really the focal point of these guys' lives?
-You can add two grades higher just for Joe Bob Briggs's commentary which is worth buying the disc for alone.
Grade: D+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I can't help but enjoy Jason Statham movies. They're nothing but B-grade bullshit that doesn't aspire to be anything else but fun. I will also contend that out of all the actors currently working today, only Statham, Gerard Butler, and (at times) Vin Diesel measure up to the ranks of tough guy action stars that were set by guys like Stallone, Lee Marvin, and Schwarzenegger (it's sad that spell check has no problems with that name). This probably ranks up there with Crank as the most enjoyable Statham movies, though this one is much more light-hearted and breezy than that masterpiece of chaos and rage. Statham's a driver who ends up violating his own rules and getting caught in a mess of trouble, all of which is just an excuse to see Statham fly around and kick people in the face. The scenery looks amazing on Blu and the camera actually holds steady in the action scenes, reminding you how great fight scenes used to look before studios started hiring schizos to run their cameras. There's nothing you're going to take away from this film, but there's definitely worse ways to pass the time.
Sights within:
-World's coolest fucking villa, man. It even has its own moat in the basement.
-There's Orangina vending machines?
-Revenge for trying to kill him? Nah. He just wanted a new ride.
-World's most oiled-up fight scene.
-I never realized how painful bike pedals could seem.
-It's weird how no one really talks about the wave of frenchploitation we've had going for a while now, even though they're some of the best and most popular action films around. Transporter, Kiss of the Dragon, District B13, Taken, and others, usually written or at least produced by Luc Besson.
Grade: B



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Bleh. Just a grab-bag of bullshit. Al Adamson apparently had originally planned on cashing in on James Bonds's popularity put lost funding, forcing him to shelve what he had for a few years until he could round up more cash. By the time he could start filming again, biker flicks were popular, so hey, what the hell, right? Let's throw that shit in too. The whole movie is just a mess of ideas thrown together for a quick buck. It jumps from bikers to spies to nazis to youths in trouble, there's no real focal point until the ending where somehow just enough shit comes together to actually qualify as an ending. Honestly, at one point in the middle of the movie, the thought of doing the dishes seemed more entertaining. And they were.
Sights within:
-Credits that really wish they were attached to a James Bond flick.
-World's most incomprehensible plot. I don't know if it even can be considered a plot. Doesn't the term itself imply some kind of planning and thought process? Neither of which can be applied to this movie.
-So KFC is what you consider a decent place to go on your romantic date?
-Holy shit, that was the Colonel!
-The whole thing's on Youtube if you really feel compelled to watch it.
Grade: D-



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




One of the big names of science fiction, it deserves its status just on its camp value alone. The majority of the film is primarily a soap opera dealing with an asshole, his alcoholic wife, and his moron girlfriend. This guy's such a prick that he openly cheats on his wife in front of the whole town, which makes you wonder if his wife is really a drunk, or has some degree of mental retardation if she can't notice what's going on. A UFE (Unidentified Flying Egg) lands, unleashing a giant mo-mo with a penchant for jewelry. The wife runs afoul of the giant who passes on radiation poisoning to the lush. Since we all know that radiation made everything grow super-huge back in the 50's, she grows to the titular character, and somehow becomes a blonde, and hunts down the philandering husband. Badda bing, badda boom. Honestly, she doesn't grow until the last six minutes or so, and half of that is just repeated footage. But, the rest of the film is so damn entertaining just by watching these low-lives interact with each other. The dialog's biting and funny with everyone always cutting each other down and the whole film is steeped in the kind of kitsch that only 50's sci-fi could bring to the table.
Sights within:
-World's largest fucking styrofoam hand, man.
-She really has to drive around with that giant rock around her neck? No wonder the big mongoloid attacked her.
-I take it this wasn't a film for the feminist movement at the time?
-World's most transparent giant people. Literally.
Grade: B



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One of Jess Franco's throwaways, one I'm sure he spent a whole day thinking about. A couple of whities crash in the jungle where the locals worship them as gods. Years later, the mother of the girl lost in the jungle sends an expedition to bring her back, as well as the diamonds they were traveling with. The group consists of a couple of greasy guys planning only bringing back the diamonds and their moralistic jungle guide. What follows is a lot of walking, a lot of talking, bad stock footage, and an abundance of nudity you'd probably just wish you had never seen anyways. Some shit happens, and the it ends. And that's the long and the short of it. Honestly, there's not even enough to this movie to really discuss it. It just simply exists.
Sights within:
-A tribal village that consists of a few decorated Honey Buckets set on an artificial lawn.
-World's most unappealing nudity, outside of At Play in the Fields of the Lord.
-World's sweatiest, grossest troupe of actors.
-For a movie called Diamonds of Kilimanjaro, there's not really a lot of diamonds or Kilimanjaro.
Grade: D



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A production from Spain that honestly isn't really a good movie, but for some damn reason I really liked it, despite the sagging middle. It follows Jules Verne's novel as well as any other production but definitely has its own take on the creature designs. A group of scientists find out the earth's hollow and explore it, coming across various giant creatures among three different sets that are continuously redecorated. The movie has a leisurely pace that's about three steps from boring, but the charm and earnestness of the filmmakers make it fun in the end. Another worthy release from Code Red who has the uncanny ability to bring me the hidden gems I somehow never got around to seeing.
Sights within:
-World's coolest giant turtles, other than Gamera of course.
-There's so many shots that are from the same maddening angle where you're almost screaming for them to tilt up even five degrees.
-Random giant monkey attack.
-There's waaaaaaayyyyyy too much orange in this movie.
Grade: C+



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I've decided to include the films that I've had to resort to DVD-R's just to be able to watch them, with this being the first one to get an official write-up. I've been desperately wanting to watch this for years after having seen the trailer on one of Synapse's 42nd St. Forever dvds. I sat twiddling my thumbs for years waiting for the rumored BCI release until eventually that company folded altogether (once again, fuck you Redbox/Netflix). With the dvd market only getting worse as the months go by, I figured the chances of this getting an official release was only getting slimmer so I said fuck it and "acquired" it, something I'm loath to do usually but sometimes there's just no choice. I will say the wait was worth it, with this being one of the best revenge flicks I've seen, a particular favorite genre of mine. William Devane is a Vietnam vet that gets maimed and has other atrocities done to him during a robbery. After getting out of the hospital, he goes on a slow burn revenge trek that culminates in a pretty cathartic shoot-out. Tommy Lee Jones shows up in a small but very memorable role as another vet that helps Devane out, and you're never really sure what the hell's up with him. Every one of his lines is funny in a demented way and he seems to delight in the prospect of gunning down some bad guys. It's probably one of my favorite roles of his even from the small amount of time he shows up. That's not to cut Devane short at all, though. You never once doubt that he can realistically accomplish everything he sets out to do and he owns every scene he's in. The film never dips into excess or typical Hollywood-isms. In fact, it's almost a spiritual cousin to No Country For Old Men. This really needs to be seen in a real dvd release as I think it's an important film and I have no idea how it's gotten to be so neglected over the years.
Sights within:
-Over silver dollars? Really?
-World's kookiest performance by Tommy Lee Jones.
-You just knew he was going to use that hook at one point.
-What the hell happened to William Devane?
-The scene with the cop going to Mexico? Completely worthless. The only down point in the film.
-The scene where Devane tells Jones that he's found the bad guys is already among my "Favorite Scenes of All-Time" list.
-Trivia: Tarantino likes this film so much, he named his production company after it. I'd expect an "homage" to appear at some point in his career.
Grade: A-


I'm baaaaaaaack in the saddle again.

Movies Watched: 21
-Swamp Country
-Hell's Angels '69
-Fangoria's Blood Drive
-Fangoria's Blood Drive 2
-Warrior of the Lost World - MST3K
-Santa Claus - MST3K
-The Girl in Lover's Lane - MST3K
-Cemetery High
-She-Devils on Wheels
-Future War - MST3K
-Werewolf - MST3K
-The Guyver
-The Guyver 2
-Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story
-Run Angel Run
-The Transporter (Blu-ray)
-Hell's Bloody Devils
-Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
-Diamonds of Kilimanjaro
-The Fabulous Journey to the Center of the Earth
-Rolling Thunder (DVD-R)
New Movies Bought: 10
-Dressed To Kill
-Hostile Takeover (VHS)
-The Canyon
-Brief Interviews With Hideous Men
-Thirst (2009)
-Cult
-The Skeptic
-Curse of the Crying Woman (1963)
-Neither the Sea Nor the Sand
-Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
Unseen DVDS: 3226
Unseen Blu-rays: 71
Unseen VHS: 120
Unseen DVD-R'S: 5

Trying to update here!

Okay, so my initial plan of doing five of these a day went to hell pretty quickly, but I'm trying. I'm doing this in the spare time I get between working on getting a film ready to shoot, taking care of my son, and other duties which is leaving me pretty behind, as usual. But I'll take what I can get I suppose. Onwards and upwards.



Code Red DVD are probably the masters at bringing me movies I should have watched in my childhood but somehow never did. Every film they release feels right at home with every other film I watched incessantly growing up, and Hot Moves would be a perfect companion to the other flicks channels like USA and TNT would air late at night. When they weren't playing horror movies, they'd be running wacky teenager movies like The Last American Virgin and Fraternity Vacation. I'm surprised this never made the rounds back then. The basic plot was ripped off in American Pie, a bunch of nerds commit to losing their virginity by the end of the summer, cue wacky hijinks. The one thing that helps the movie is that compared to the American Pie films, this film feels honest. These guys are truly hideous nerds, not like the "nerds" we see in modern teen films, who are really usually models dressed in bad clothing. I mean, does anyone buy that Chris Klein wouldn't have at least date-raped someone by the time he was a senior? On the other side of the coin, it wouldn't be too hard of a stretch to buy that these guys are still virgins twenty years after this movie. There are times where the movie feels creaky, and it's easy to see that it's pretty much just a series of set-pieces hung around the basic idea, but dammit, it's fun. A good time waster that reminds of you that not every movie about teens was filled with cellphone ads and emo music.
Sights within:
-Upon their first encounter with a hooker, they manage to burn her fucking house down. Genius.
-World's most gratuitous use of Venice Beach stock footage.
-You really have to wonder if some of these kids weren't like 15 at the time.
-World's best parody of Chariots of Fire.
Grade: B-
(Apparently, there are no trailers for this anywhere online, sadly. So just pretend you saw something funny here and move along.)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



We figured since we had so much luck with Beach Blanket Bingo, we'd try out another of these Beach movies we've got laying around here but came up a lot shorter than last time. There's still some fun in here but nowhere near as much as the last one. Apparently, this was the last one with Frankie and Annette and at this point all parties had decided to check out, appearing only due to contractual obligations. The setup involves Frankie being stuck on a deserted island (and landing him probably only two days worth of shooting at the same time) and being tormented by the notion that Annette is too much of a whore to be left alone (though he states it in much nicer terms). I don't know if he just has overwhelming feelings of insecurity about his relationship or if Annette has been playing the surfing rounds between movies, but he finds a witch doctor (played by Buster Keaton!) who sends out a pelican to watch over Annette and make sure she's not sleeping around. This bird arrives just in time for some douche-bag to show up and come on to her, and the local Nazi bike leader decides to go clean, and some other stuff happens, and some others, and yadda yadda. Honestly, the movie seems to lose steam after about twenty minutes, yet still drags itself along until it culminates in a motorcycle race played in fast motion. That eternal opportunist Mickey Rooney even shows up to do some reality show shenanigans decades before there were reality shows, but he's nowhere near as funny as Don Rickles, or even anything in the last film. It's worth a watch, but maybe get some housework done while it's playing. If you're like me, you'll feel compelled to do it anyways about halfway through.
Sights within:
-Buster Keaton in a grass skirt.
-A fairly pregnant Annette Funicello in a bikini movie. I know, right?
-The world's most tedious serenade by motorcycle.
-Mickey Rooney copping a feel, pretty fucking blatantly.
-A climax that I'm pretty sure was ripped off from Wacky Races.
-A pelican that manages to live up to the thespian legacy of Frankie Avalon.
-Speaking of which, if you want to catch a truly nutball Frankie Avalon flick, try to find Blood Song, where he whistles a friendly jaunt as he stalks and kills teenagers slasher-style across the Oregon valley. It's bugshit crazy.
Grade: C-



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You can look back at the history of Charles Band's Full Moon company and see the different stages it's gone through. Between the period of the glory days of Paramount-backed funding and bottom barrel DV-dreck there was a time where Charles lost his shit. Seriously. Blood Dolls is unbelievably insane, with no logic anywhere to be found. Head of the Family hails from this same period, though it's not as entertaining as Dolls. The movie mashes together a pretty typical film noir storyline with outlandish hillbilly freaks, not shying away from every redneck stereotype possible. The lead actor is surprisingly charismatic and his back and forth with the title character is always funny. He's the only character worth caring about, though, and I think that's why the movie starts to drag after so long, before it finishes off with a pretty good punchline. It may not be the best of Full Moon's oeuvre, but after watching shit like Talisman, you'll find a whole new respect for how batshit this film is.
Sights within:
-Just looking at the box-art is a sight itself.
-World's longest running "I-sent-a-letter-and-if-anything-happens-to-me-..." gag.
-Lance seems like Viggo Mortenson's slimeball ex-con brother.
-If you want to see pretty much the whole movie, just watch the damn trailer. Pretty much spells everything out.
Grade: C



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Mario Bava is primarily known for his horror movies, but his excursions into other genres are just as memorable. This film was one of two he made in the peplum sub-genre. The story sets two brothers separated by war, one taken in by royalty, the other taken in by the clan of Viking warriors that had been defeated by the king, shortly before being killed himself by one of his traitorous generals. The movie gets you looking forward to their eventual reunion in the climax, but when it does come it feels a little anticlimactic. Once they realize who each other is, it amounts to "Oh, hey. Cool. How's it going?" before the story turns its attention back to the murderous general. Other than that, the movie's highly entertaining, in line with the older swashbuckling movies that aren't really made anymore. This one is elevated simply because Bava is at the helm. Even when there's absolutely no call for it, his multicolored lighting and camera work bring a style to the film that's great to watch, giving all of the Viking rituals a sense of magic. Definitely worth checking out.
Sights within:
-Cameron Mitchell looking like a reject from southern California.
-World's biggest underground tree. With purple lighting.
-A sequence involving arrows up the side of a castle which was ripped off wholesale in the recent Prince of Persia movie.
-Big burly Vikings in short skirts and bleached hair.
Grade: B



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Yeee-haaaawww! There be some shenanigans goin' down over at yonder swamp. Sees, there be some blonde taken in by a good ol' boy swamp-water abortionist and raised as his own chilin'. This blonde swamp rat comes to be a local legend down 'round the town's waterin' holes. Shitkickers about town tries to pin down some no-good like murder on 'er, leadin' to a good ol' fashioned swamp-stomping. The film's fun enough but, as is in most cases with no-budget exploitation films, it gets bogged down with simply trying to come up with shit to do. There's poachers, felons, and yuppie assholes all trekking through with some kind of angle to eat up some running time. Everything comes together in a climax that makes you wonder if it had been written on the spot.
Sights within:
-A girl who lives in the swamp with apparently only one item of clothing that never gets so much of a spec of dirt on it. Ever.
-Ferlin Husky's theme song. Yep.
-A scene involving snakes that gets pretty dark completely out of nowhere.
-World's most fucked up twist ending, rendering the prior two minutes of the film pretty fucking messed up.
Grade: C-



Movies Watched: 5
-Hot Moves
-How to Stuff a Wild Bikini
-Head of the Family
-Erik the Conqueror
-Swamp Girl
New Movies Bought: 2
-Tetsuo 2: The Body Hammer
-Trick R Treat
Unseen DVDS: 3237
Unseen Blu-rays: 72
Unseen VHS: 119

Tranced Edition

I'm still desperately trying to catch up on the films I've seen. I'm still writing up movies I watched back in April and there's another thirty or so after this. Right now I'm on break from school and I'm freshly laid off so I should be able to have enough time to catch up here soon. I'll aim for at least five write-ups a day and I should be able to get back to speed in a few weeks. Here's hoping anyways.


Fun time travel movie with Tim Thomerson barking out smart-ass remarks as he falls in with Helen Hunt and hunts space-vampire-zombie fucking things. To be honest, the definition of what exactly a Trancer is changes depending on what movie, or even what scene, you're watching. All I know is Jack Deth kills 'em reals good like and looks cool doing it. This is the best one and it's a steady slide downwards as you go on.
Sights within:
-World's most unexpected Santa beating
-I like how Jack actively goes out of his way to achieve that slicked-back sleaze-ball look.
-Tanning salons can be a bitch.
Grade: B+



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



More of the same but with less of the luster. Somehow they got everyone from the original back and added Megan Ward who plays Jack Deth's wife. What could have been a fun situation with both wives fighting over Jack (with what eventually could have lead to Jack turning to the camera and shrugging his shoulders exaggeratedly expressing his wonderment at getting caught in these kinds of situations while canned audience laughter backs him up) is pretty much left alone after the initial set-up and taken seriously. The budget's not as high and neither is the laughs but there's still some fun to be had, even if I have no idea what the actual plot is by now. I think Jeffrey Combs pops up for a couple of minutes, or was that the third one? I don't know. I do know that Richard Lynch was the bad guy in one of them and Andrew Robinson is in the other. Guess it doesn't matter too much which is which. Still worth checking out.
Sights within:
-Somehow they decided the drunk ex-baseball player was a valuable enough character to bring him back?
-World's slowest escape and shoot out. Young Guns this isn't.
-Lena? Is that a real name that exists outside of video-games?
-I've probably watched the trailer for this a thousand times growing up. In fact I can quote the whole thing from the video down below. Somehow I just now got around to actually watching the movie.
Grade: C+



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



That smooth talkin' sonofabitch is back yet again to kill more Trancers, whatever the hell they are. This time, good ol' Larry Cotton is building an army of Trancer soldiers and Jack Deth has to take them out before some vague "bad stuff" happens in the future. The story seems to be not far off from the plot of part 2 and the treads are starting to really show by now. Tim Thomerson is as fun to watch as ever but every thing else is pretty dis-interesting. This would be the last one I'd even suggest checking out, and that's only on the strength of the Jack Deth character alone.
Sights within:
-World's most obvious appearance due to contractual obligations. Mad About You had to have started by now.
-That shark-guy thing would have made a much more interesting villain than his two appearances as a good guy. But hey, what do I know? I only pay to own these things.
-When the bad guys have automatic weapons and hide behind cover, always walk into the open room and take them out with your 9mm. It'll work everytime.
Grade: C-



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Jack gets sent back in time to Romania to save a few bucks for Charles Band. Back when Full Moon was about to lose it's funding from Paramount, Chuck Band strung out as many of his heavy hitters as he could by filming multiple sequels back to back in order to get the most return for his money. Victims of this extortion method also included the Subspecies and Puppet Master films, though I have to say Trancers got the worst treatment out of all of them. Jack arrives, people thinks he's a god or magic or some shit and defeats the evil wizard, yadda yadda. Really, it's the same old storyline you've seen a hundred times only with Tim Thomerson's wisecrack's making any kind of difference. Ultimately, not worth the seventy minutes running time to watch.
Sights within:
-Shit if I know. Some castles? I don't know.
-World's clunkiest sword fights.
-At this point, Jack Deth's coat is starting to look a little too feminine for him.
Grade: D



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Some more shit in medieval days. Jack teams up with a Trancer to stop the same damn guy they already killed, newly resurrected due to a mystical painting or something. Supposedly this is to give Jack a new angle on Trancers and not be so much of a hardass, which isn't that the whole reason to watch these things? It all boils down to some generic horseback riding and sword-swinging with early-days After Effects sprinkled here and there. The whole time I couldn't shake the feeling that I had more important things to do and was fighting that itch to hit the fast forward button. I don't think any series demonstrates the law of diminishing returns than the Trancers series. Just stop at part 3 and consider it done.
Sights within:
-Is that not the world's worst fucking poster? Is that horse on steroids? How the hell did they get up there? That's the worst pose I've ever seen a man strike. It reminds me of the crappy sci-fi books I would toss to the side when digging through garage sales back when I was twelve.
-World's whiniest vampire-thing, other than Twilight.
-It's five films in now and there is still no concrete definition of just what the fuck is a Trancer anyways? Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
-What do you mean there's a fucking sixth one?



Movies Watched: 5
-Trancers
-Trancers 2
-Trancers 3
-Trancers 4
-Trancers 5
New Movies Bought: 0
Unseen DVDS: 3241
Unseen Blu-rays: 71
Unseen VHS: 119