Saturday, August 14, 2010

Road to 500: Blood Wings

Still just plugging away. Not as big of an update as I wanted to have but 90+ degree heat isn't exactly inspiring me at the moment, which is also why one of the features I was going to have up is on the back burner. Check in later in the week and there should be few more new items.

Okay, let's just talk about the quote they have blazing right under the title, shall we? I can assure that not one thing from Mr. Alson from Independent Film Quarterly, whatever the hell that is, says is accurate. First off, there is not one iota of a mystery within this movie. The killer, a guy who looks like he should be due for a mid-life crisis rather than playing a murderer, is shown from frame one. We know who he is from the beginning leaving not much of a mystery. Now, that reference to Silence of the Lambs? Yeah, nothing of the sort. No cannibalism, skin suits, or peek-a-boo with genitalia of any kind. If it's talking about the police investigation, well, it still doesn't mean anything. The investigation plays backseat to Jeffrey Combs, which sadly this is one of the few recent films to actually let him play somewhat of a meaty role even if he is playing it as hungover, and his affair with his deputy, which, you know what? The affair angle is a lot more involving than the shitty serial killer who shows up, stabs someone in poor lighting and we move on. There are attempts at some humor, of which a few bits actually work, but that only helps lend credence that the murder sections of the film are just an afterthought, only existing to sell the movie somehow. The one bright spot is Michael Berryman who is terrific in every scene he's in. It's one of the few roles that shows the warmth and kindness he is said to possess if you were ever to meet him. It's not often you watch one of these and there's a character you truly wish doesn't die. As a horror movie, it's awful, but it is fairly decent for a movie about a couple of small-town cops with a few laces of humor, especially when you consider how low you set your expectations when you see that cover and realize it comes from Lionsgate.
Sights within:
-The movie seems like it was shot with exactly one light.
-World's only potential murder victim killed by Viagra overdose.
-It's a shame half of Michael Berryman's scenes are blown out.
-Gardening tool abuse.
-Obvious fake money.
-Berryman and opening the car door was unexpectedly hilarious.
-Apparently the whole damn movie is available to watch for free on Youtube if you're so inclined.
Grade: C


I don't know how much I need to go into explanation here as the movie's pretty legendary at this point. Before Peter Jackson was gobbling up hundreds of millions of dollars and pumping out four hour CGI fests, he made the most batshit gore movies produced. The difference between his movies and other gore movies is that you can tell his were made by someone with real talent. There's nothing I hate more than some piece of shit made by someone that knows nothing about filmmaking and thinks they can shove a lot of gore into a movie and it'll automatically be good. The humor and story in this movie is genuine, and it helps that when it does come time for the good old fashioned ultra-violence, he puts thought and creativity into the ways he can kill and dismember people rather than relying on shit he saw on another movie. That's why this movie holds up even now and probably always will.
Sights within:
-Sumatran rat monkey abuse.
-The baby in the park scene is easily one of the most entertaining scenes filmed.
-World's most ass-kicking priest.
-Custard abuse.
-First comes the gnome, then comes the guts.
-The broad stuck on a light bulb for twenty minutes really show the attention to detail here.
Grade: A-


I remember we had wanted to see this when it was in theaters but parent in charge thought it was illegal for us to see an R rated movie in a theater without a parent like the well informed individual she was. Instead, we had the pleasure of being shuffled into seeing Titanic like every other human being on the planet and I have to wonder how much of this movie's box office was stolen by that bloated blunder fest? I had to wait for it to hit pay-per-view before I finally got to see it, and loved it from then on, always cursing the foul run of luck that caused me to miss that theatrical viewing. Revisiting it now, I think I may have watched it a few too many times, or maybe my patience for horror films where the middle 45 minutes consists of nothing but wandering around hallways has eroded to almost nothing. I still really enjoy the humor and Treat Williams is great at playing smarmy characters. It's just that nothing really happens for the middle of the movie. The CGI is bad, but you kind of expect it coming from this type of movie. To be honest, I'm surprised it even played in theaters. This is the type of movie that the Syfy channel revels in anymore. It's worth a watch as it's still a fun time, just don't go expecting much.
Sights within:
-World's most pissed off squid monster.
-Squid vomit.
-One of the biggest collections of "hey it's that guy!" actors assembled for one crew.
-Kevin J. O'Conner abuse.
-Would that gun design even function?
-I still want to know what the hell is that on the island.
Grade: C+


Another guilty pleasure unleashed from Code Red DVD who I think can do no wrong. Seriously, just buy their shit already. This was a film shot in the early '90's (trust me, you can tell) but sat in a warehouse in Canada for years. This is its first release ever, which while some will be a smartass and make remarks like it should have stayed there, I get pissed off anytime a film is withheld from being available for viewing no matter its quality so I applaud Code Red for releasing it. I'll be honest that this one isn't for everyone and should probably only be approached by those that love not just bad, but fucking horrible movies. It's like if the world's worst joke was a living entity and decided to direct a movie, this is the film that would be wrought upon the world. Fred Tavalena plays no less than three different roles, each just an excuse to parade bad impressions and puns across the screen. 90% of the movie looks like it was shot in the same gym and some of the jokes are so bad you can only sit there, blinking. If that sounds awful to you then this isn't your cup of tea and it's best to move on. However, if that floats your boat, then prepared for one of the greatest horrible movies ever filmed.
Sights within:
-Credits that look like they were done on Mario Paint.
-World's most painful slam dunk.
-Everyone is rocking the light blue, '90's style.
-Elvis sterotype abuse.
-World's worst collection of puns outside of a Tales From the Crypt episode.
-Comedy abuse.
-A great commentary that has Fred Tavalena shortly before his death and is as funny as any episode of Mystery Science Theater.
-Makes you wonder what else may be hiding in a Canadian storage facility somewhere...
Grade: B-
(Sorry, I can't find a single video for this online. Guess you'll just have to trust me.)


Despite everyone else complaining about them, I've always liked the Saw movies. The traps get pretty tedious after a while, but it's the convoluted storyline that keeps bringing me back. I'm a whore for a well maintained mythology for a series, no matter how ludicrous it gets. Probably comes from being a comic book nerd I suppose. Anyways, this one didn't feel as interesting as the last few, probably because it didn't serve to advance the primary story as much and felt more like a stand alone installment, of which I'm sure there's many out there who appreciate that. And in a way, I guess it equals out with the last one as that was primarily about advancing the story with the traps being almost an afterthought. The victims in this one all spring from Jigsaw being pissed at the American health care system, with the twist being pretty easy to call early on if you keep in mind how this series likes to handle its sleight of hand. It's entertaining but still feels like a buildup to something better.
Sights within:
-World's most fucked merry-go-round.
-Really? That's all the letter said?
-The traps just don't seem like anything special at all this time around.
-Retcon abuse.
-I'll admit I did not see that scene with Hoffman and the cops analyzing the voice patterns going down like it did.
-This series can't keep a protagonist to save it's fucking life.
Grade: C


I was well prepared for this movie to be awful, but in that kind of train-wreck-kinda-like-Van-Damme's-Street Fighter-awesome-awful kind of way. I was looking forward to having a good laugh and reveling at unintentional humor. I was completely unprepared for how depressingly bad it was. It was so awful, I couldn't even laugh. It's the kind of bad film-making that makes you want to give it all up and read a book. From the acting to the dialog to anything that even resembles a logical thought, it was all just so horrible. By the time it was over, I actually felt wrecked and on edge just from the anger of what I had just seen. Some film theorists would argue that if a film caused such a reaction than it's a success. To those that would say such a thing, I'm going to punch you in your goddamned eye.
Sights within:
-Supposedly M Night's main directorial mandate was for the adults to act like children. To him I ask, WHY?
-Zooey Deschanel looks like a bug-eyed lemur the whole damn time.
-Truly, the world's worst dialog.
-Cinema as an art form abuse.
-Wahlberg explaining himself to a houseplant. Hell has frozen over.
-I swear I felt the need to kill after that exchange about Wahlberg flirting with a drugstore clerk.
-I truly did not believe that was the ending. Even now, I have a hard time accepting that the main climax occurs by two people simply opening a fucking door and stepping outside. Whoops. Spoiler. Now you don't have to watch it. Guess you should pay me then, huh?
Grade: F


A "wow, were they bored or something" sequel that played to a completely different audience than the original with disastrous results. I enjoy it on a bad movie level, probably only because I saw it in a theater when I was 14, but really is pretty bad. The story's preposterous, the characters are stock college movie roles, and the effects are horrible. There's a fair bit of humor that works, but only because the movie's pretty much taken as a joke in the first place. It's enjoyable as something to pass the afternoon with but you'll be craving something with a bit more...bite? Ha!
Sights within:
-Eiffel Tower abuse.
-Just so happens to save the girl, find her in the hospital, and finds out where she lives. Is Paris like four square miles or something?
-Werewolves that look like orangutans.
-A hearty milkshake.
-World's worst werewolf CGI.
-It's sad that one of the film's biggest laughs comes from the horrible werewolf amputee kept in the basement. Maybe it's best they went with CGI for the rest of it.
-World's worst "Ahhhh!"
Grade: C-


One of the most blatant ripoffs of Friday the 13th, to the point that I'm surprised no one got sued. Counselors show up to prep a summer camp where the legend of some murderous dead guy haunt the camp. Shit happens exactly like you would think, only with worse acting and a camera crew that doesn't know what the fuck it's doing. It's watchable at least, just to see what else can go wrong. There's really not much else worth going on about.
Sights within:
-A guy who's blatantly anti-reading.
-Why is there always a guy named Dean or Trent in these things?
-So they all agree to play a game where you're guaranteed to get hurt in the dark while running around in the woods?
-World's most hardcore running scene. That guy fucking books it.
-"Misery comes in lots of different forms. It's all miserable." True quote.
-Red herring abuse.
Grade: D


If this had been shot today, PETA would have torn them a new asshole. Marshmallow fluff flows out of the ground causing various animals to grow to rear-projection worthy size. A couple of football players come to strike swift vengeance against nature at the same time capitalist pigs come to buy the fluff, only for all parties to be caught up in a siege by over-sized rats. I really enjoy this one since it reminds me of the endless amount of creature features offered up by TNT and TBS a when I was a kid. Somehow I never came across this one before it was released on DVD a few years ago, though I do remember almost renting it a few times when I was little. There's nothing new here but it does carry a whole lot of fun, along with a lot of drowned rats, if you're into that kind of thing. Classic B-movie fodder.
Sights within:
-World's most lethal cocks. Yep.
-True rat abuse. It's almost shocking to see nowadays.
-That guy really wants his fluff.
-Ewww! Giant maggots!
-But...can't rats swim?
-Honestly, if you have murderous animals, you have me at "Hello."
Grade: B-

Movies Watched: 5
-Night of the Dribbler
-Saw 6 (Blu)
-The Happening (Blu)
-Bloody Murder
New Movies Bought: 2
-Primal Rage
-Horror High
Unseen DVDS: 3219
Unseen Blu-rays: 68
Unseen VHS: 121
Unseen DVD-R'S: 5

He's gonna start a war
He hops in his pickup puts the pedal to the floor

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