Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Road to 500: The Blood Stone

Hello again. Kind of a brief update today, but that's what happens when most of the movies in it are short and boring. There's some more interesting movies coming up on the next post so stay tuned. Until then, be brave.

70. Community

Another of the Fear Itself mini-movies, this one directed by Mary Harron, of American Psycho fame. Here she digs into another look at how society functions and how that can be twisted. Superman and Roswell chick buy their first house in an exclusive private community but find out they don't agree with all of the rules placed upon them. This was actually fairly enjoyable after the first few minutes had me dreading what was to come. It's not terribly original (you sensing a pattern with these yet?), but does a competent job of keeping interest. Brandon Routh is the standout actor in this one and I'd like to see him get more roles since I think he got kind of maimed in the Superman Returns aftermath. He's similar to Tom Cruise, but with talent and has his sanity in check. One of the better entries in the series, even if The X-Files did it better in one of their episodes.
Sights within:
-Did I ever tell you how much I hate when a movie opens with something near the climax of the film, and then cuts to a flashback for the rest of the movie until it catches up to the prologue/climax? It's a fucking cheat. Just because you can't think of an attention-grabber in the first few minutes doesn't mean you can recycle shit from later on in the script. Cut it out.
-Yeah, that's just where I'd want to live. W.A.S.P. Central. I'd never survive there.
-World's most invasive bedroom television.
-Adulteress abuse.
-Dismemberment, Superman's only weakness.
-Best performance by a pair of scissors, a.k.a The Inside Award.
-Watch it here.
Grade: B-


71. The Sacrifice

The first of the Fear Itself movies to flat-out bore me. A bunch of dipshit hunters make their way to a giant-ass fort tended to by three sisters for help not knowing what lives in its walls. Blah blah blah. It's shot as boring as could be and the writing falls right in line with it. Every character is unlikeable and are the type of people you'd rather see get in a car accident caused by Bud Light. Rachel Miner shows up just because she heard Lionsgate was distributing a series of horror movies and was contractually obliged to appear in one. The story has trouble finding things to do even with a forty minute running time and...I've already run out of things to talk about. There's just nothing here worth a damn to even bring up, good or bad. This is more in line from what I'd expect from Breck Eisner. Bleh.
Sights within:
-Best performance by the fort from Ginger Snaps 3, outside of Ginger Snaps 3.
-If only all three of the sisters could have been mute.
-When there's even the tiniest bit of action, they bust out the piss-poor shaky-cam. WHY WON'T THIS FUCKING TREND DIE ALREADY?
-Uh, what's the story with the automatic weapons?
-Drunk in a leper-vampire costume abuse.
-World's most out-of-place wire-fu.
Grade: D


72. Hellhounds

When I saw the cover for this at the store, it had me, man. Some primitive part of my mind was all like "Alright man, fuckin' hellhounds. I'm gonna get me some hellhoundage on. HELLHOUNDS! WOOOOO!" After plunking down the $3.50 to add this little gem to the wall'o'DVDs, I bid my time, waiting for the right hour to strike Hellhound time. Alas, it arrived. Time to unleash hell. Hounds. I put the disc in and waited. Waited for the hounds of hell. And waited. And kept waiting. For over an hour. Sure, there was a bunch of shit about going to Hades to save a queen's soul and yadda yadda. Don't care. Already saw Clash of the Titans. Both of them. Don't need anymore. What I did need was hellhounds. Right away. Which I got, 72 minutes into an 86 minute movie. The hellhounds themselves looked like overgrown rats from a PS1 videogame and stood there while Whateverhisname-eseus stabbed them lethargically to end the movie. Needless to say this hellfan was helladisappointed with this one. I didn't ask for the kind of melodrama that would have been laughed out of a Xena writing session. I asked for hellhounds, and got hellshit on. Fuck this.
Sights within:
-World's worst case of sour-lemon face for the entire movie.
-Everyone looks like they bought their costumes from Spencer's the day after Halloween.
-Attack of the rubber snake!
-Best performance of the line "Great Zeus!"
-Could that guy have a bigger mouth?
-Personal hopes and dreams abuse.
Grade: D


73. In Sickness and In Health

From John Landis comes a mini-movie that has no reason for existing. On her wedding day, a bride gets an anonymous note implying that her new groom is a murderer. Decent idea, poor execution. There is no tension, no surprises, no one to root for, just nothing worth watching it for. You can guess the twist ending three minutes into the movie which leaves you with nothing but 38 minutes of over-privileged going "What's wrong?" "Nothing. Well..." "What?" "Forget it." Is he or isn't he? Who cares? The acting is awful and everyone is played either smarmy, conceited, or just plain stupid, all of which leaves every actor looking like they're constipated. There's a few funny moments due to framing or items in the background but they're far too fleeting. Just, an exercise in tedium.
Sights within:
-World's most obvious twist ending.
-Every character acts in a completely unmotivated way, slaves to the path the story wishes to take.
-Best performance by a mentally handicapped bridesmaid, which is really the only way I can explain why she is truly one of the stupidest characters in film history.
-There's like four subplots that seem about to bubble up and then they're left to die.
-John Landis abuse.
Grade: D+


74. Dragon Wars

You have to understand that when I say that this is a good movie, I'm saying so because it's so deliriously incompetent. It's a horribly fun movie just a step above House of the Dead. The plot involves some overly complicated legend about dragons coming true in downtown L.A., but I don't think even the director could make sense of it. Some wouldn't classify this as a horror movie, but I lump it in the same way I do with the Godzilla movies. They're about giant monsters slamming the shit out of things so they fit in my book. This one is so fun simple because of the complete lack of any rational thought in the film. Character's action make no sense and neither does one aspect of the storytelling. It's almost like any sort of even the most basic touches of humanity's common sense was jettisoned during the production of this film. The editing is all over the place which is one of the main sources of laughter, as is the thought of the world depicted in this movie actually behaving in this manner. If any government force behaved the way they do in this, the world would be fucked. Surprisingly, even though this is obviously amateur hour, the dragon scenes are fantastic. The grand siege on L.A. is a blast to watch. The CGI isn't the greatest but it's definitely a few steps above the Syfy Channel's typical fare. With the army and dragons tearing the shit out of the city being so fun, you almost feel angry that the movie has to return to the two main characters of Tweedledee and Tweedledum, but at least it finishes off with one last good dragon fight. If you enjoy bad movies, this is one of this generation's funnest. Enjoy with an ice-cold six-pack for maximum enjoyment.
Sights within:
-Any movie that begins right away with flashbacks within flashbacks is okay in my book.
-So she's just turned 20, yet the best solution is for her to hit the bar?
-Token black character abuse. They fucking leave Craig Robinson on the side of the road with the evil dude, only for him to be perfectly cool with it the next day.
-Best performance by Robert Forster's hairplugs.
-They run away for dear life, only to take a romantic, leisurely stroll on the beach during sunset?
-World's only awesome depiction of a traditional Chinese dragon.
-There are scenes in here that I swear are stolen from Power Rangers.
-The final scene is hilarious. WHERE THE FUCK IS HE WALKING TO?
-There's really nothing that I could write about this movie that could top what Scott Foy wrote in what's basically a thesis on the film. Check it out here.
Grade: B+


75. Family Man

The most boring of the Fear Itself films. A man gets in a car crash and switches bodies with a serial killer for no reason whatsoever, thus the nice guy is in prison while the killer lives with the man's family. You'd imagine there'd be something interesting here but there's not. Even Clifton Collins looks bored. The whole thing consists of the two meeting at the jail, the nice guy warning the killer to stay from his family and the killer responds with thinly veiled threats. Repeat and repeat until the climax ends lethargically. It's shot flatly which is disappointing as Ronny Yu is usually quite capable of making even the worst movie look great. This feels like a TV movie, with a TV plot, starring primarily TV actors. This was obviously not for me.
Sights within:
-World's best example of why you shouldn't use your fucking cell phone while driving.
-Bumblebee costume abuse.
-There's a decent fight until it ends abruptly. It was so good it almost raised me out of my stupor.
-Best performance by an angry family dinner scene.
-This guy is probably one of the most shit upon characters in a movie.
-Watch it here.
Grade: D
(Once again, generic trailer time.)

Movies Watched: 6
-The Sacrifice
-In Sickness and In Health
-Dragon Wars
-Family Man
New Movies Bought: 0
Unseen DVDS: 3196
Unseen Blu-rays: 65
Unseen VHS: 119
Unseen DVD-R'S: 5

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