Part of a double feature with last post's Swamp Girl, this is another film to make you feel even worse in the balmy days of summer. Sweat and grime permeate every frame, causing your shirt to stick to your back just out of empathy. I think this was another film where they were hoping the theme song would be the hook for viewers, snaring viewers with a catchy jingle. It opens with the eponymous diddy and throws out a fresh tune at about every six minutes or so, all sung Baker Knight, a blonde haired curly-q with crisp flannel and a hound-dog expression for every scene. The film concerns a rather rotund man mistaken for a murderer who makes a break for it in the Okefenokee, living it Man Vs. Wild style. The law hunts him down while the real murderers are going about their business. There's a love triangle with the mushface singer, the sheriff, and the town's (swamp's?) only white trash teenage girl. The movie's fairly entertaining, even if you're only laughing at the absurdity of some of it. It's the kind of movie that's perfect to watch on a hot night with a beer, maybe break out the gumbo to go along with it. I spent a lot of time laughing while it was on, but looking back, I like it a lot more than I thought I did until I sat down to type this. It's on the same double feature disc from Something Weird with Swamp Girl and another short film about swamp trash. Swamp Country also had the best transfer on the disc, with the colors and scratches reminding me of the movies I used to watch on the oddball UHF channels that'd come in with bad reception. Fun times.
Sights within:
-World's most out of shape survivalist.
-BEAR ATTACK!
-Panther attack?
-Wait, are there even any panthers in the Okefenokee?
-Look around anytime Baker Knight is singing. You will see nothing but disgust and contempt on every other actor's face, everyone of them probably daydreaming about smashing that guitar in the dwarf's face.
-Quicksand that is literally quick, compared to other movies where the person in danger has time to eat a sandwich before being pulled under.
Grade: C+
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What happens when two millionaire brothers decide to use the Hell's Angels as cover for robbing Caesar's Palace in Vegas? A kick-ass time and gratuitous bike riding. These two middle aged guys somehow integrate themselves into the infamous biker gang by slapping an old guy's car and are treated as guests during their trek through the desert, proving that, hey, these guys aren't so bad after all. You see, this film was created with cooperation with the real Hell's Angels, who vetoed anything they didn't approve of. The leader of the Angels, Sonny Barger, pretty much plays himself along with his real life buddies. Obviously, with those cooks in the kitchen, the movie paints a somewhat different picture than what reality was for the Angels, but I think that works in favor of the movie. You come to like just about every person in the movie, making the last third of the movie actually matter and mean something. The story's interesting enough to keep the movie moving, and even when there's nothing really happening, the fun of the characters at least make it seem like something's going on. I do think it would have been better to keep the robbery aspect a surprise until it actually occurs rather than stating it up front in the opening moments of the film, though there is one more twist at the end that I thought was a nice touch. If the idea of throwing in the original Ocean's 11 with a 60's biker flick sounds like a fun time, well, that's because it is.
Sights within:
-These guys look like they should be golfing, not biking.
-Apparently within biker culture, old ladies get traded like sports cards.
-Sonny Barger, the most enjoyable non-actor around.
-Vegas as it was, not as it is.
-Bikers that trade in their Harley's for dirt-bikes when it's ass-kicking time.
-World's most low-key casino robbery.
-Biker rumble!
-Biker stunts!
-Biker justice!
-For extra fun, check out the Joe Bob Briggs commentary on the disc.
Grade: B+
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I've found that as I go along, my patience for short horror films has dwindled to almost nothing (ironic since I'm currently killing myself trying to get one made). It's just so so so so easy to make something horrible, and this dvd is filled with nothing but terrible. Atrocious, even. From awful video to bad sound to boring stories, there is nothing competent in anything this disc offers, other than the bonus feature of Clive Barker giving a tour of his studio, which has nothing to do with anything else on the fucking dvd and was filmed just as horrible as an interview/documentary could be. Plus, Rob fucking Zombie hosts the thing. Awful, just awful.
Sights within:
-World's most horrible collection of short films. Go get Small Gauge Trauma from Synapse instead.
-This is why you learn to love your fast-forward button.
-Fuck this thing.
Grade: F
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Yes, I still went ahead and watched the second, which I will admit was an improvement. The technical aspects were much better this time, which can probably be attributed to the advent of affordable DV cameras, but the stories still lack any real thought to them. They're still the same old cliches being used solely to get to any excuse for gore, entertainment be damned. The first short flat-out rips off every J-horror you've ever seen. It reeks of yuppies renting The Grudge and thinking they can make a movie too. The only short that stands out even a little was Paul Solet's "Means to an End," which has a good sense of humor but after a while it seems like he's trying too hard to show how cool his horror collection is in whatever shot he can which got annoying after a while. The best thing about this is there was never a third volume. Bleh.
Sights within:
-World's most...nah, I can't do it. It's just not worth it.
Grade: D
(This is what I felt like after watching these two fucking things.)
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It's always hard to review a movie that I watched via the good graces of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Should I talk about the movie itself, which is often cut up and drowned out by the MSTie crew, or the episode itself? I think I tend to just mention how fun it was watching it and move on. I will say the movie itself is the kind of crap I would have hunted down anyways just because of Fred Williamson and Donald Pleasance even if it hadn't been lampooned on the show.
Sights within:
-World's most poorly written opening crawl, obviously an inspiration for Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark.
-World's most annoying talking motorcycle.
-World's most lush and pleasant post-apocalyptic wasteland.
-World's least threatening "megaweapon."
-There's a lot of records being broken here it seems.
Grade: B-
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Another MST3K episode, this time poking fun at one of the most bizarre films made. This comes across one of the better episodes simply because the film gives them so damn much to work with. Sometimes you'll miss the jokes just because you'll be paying attention to the wackjob film itself. I don't even want to know where they got their abstractions of the Santa Claus legend.
Sights within:
-Never will you be more creeped out after you see how Santa watches the children of the world.
-World's most condensed parade of ethnic stereotypes within twenty minutes.
-The reindeer's laughter...
-World's most random appearance of fucking Merlin of all people.
Grade: B+
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Yet another MST3K episode, this time making fun of a movie that I didn't think was so bad. I could see this being a decent watch on its own. It's kind of rote, but it's as competent as any other 50's troubled-youth flick. However, the MST3K crew tear the movie up in one of their best episodes. Definitely the best episode in its respective boxset.
Sights within:
-Jack Elam, ye gods!
-World's earliest hidden gay-subtext in cinema.
-A murder, a false accusation, an unruly mob, and the unveiling of the truth, all in ten minutes. Amazing.
Grade: B+
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Awful awful awful awful awful. This thing is a complete mess. Time-lines are butchered, lighting is nonexistent, and the sound is like a chainsaw in your ears. Nothing about this makes sense, or can even call itself entertainment. What's supposed to be a female vengeance movie becomes a complete clusterfuck which really makes you want to suck on a bottle of Drain-o after so long. I will say that this is the third movie which was so bad that I ended up watching it at 18x speed through the last half (Wicked Lake and Death Factory being the first two). I really can't keep going on about this thing without wanting to kill myself.
Sights within:
-World's most horrible Full Moon release, quite a feat.
-KILLLLLL MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Grade: F-
(For the benefit of all mankind, the trailer for this movie is not online. Count your blessings.)
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A biker-chick-flick from H.G. Lewis that begins to lose its charm the longer it goes on. There's some fun at first, with the film turning every cliche of male bikers around by applying them to women who are just as ruthless and over the top as any other biker film. The women are the ones to treat men like objects, even having to tear the shit out of one of them when one of the girls actually falls for him. These sort of antics are fun and trashy, but after about forty minutes, the movie feels like it runs out of shit to do before an ending that's so anti-climatic, it's actually funny. This is a film that's probably more enjoyable after a few beers so I'm going to have to revisit it when I'm more "prepared."
Sights within:
-The world's safest, most organized biker run going about 25 mph in a 55 zone.
-A camera that doesn't seem to know what the fuck it's supposed to be looking at at any given time.
-Initiation by syrup. Why? Who fucking knows?
-World's most unexpected decapitation.
-Whitey, a character whose sexual innuendo will make you commit to celibacy.
Grade: D+
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I believe this has the distinction of being the most recent movie to be filmed and then torn apart by the MST3K crew. Somehow, this movie escaped my detection back when I was eight and rented every damn thing that had to do with dinosaurs known to man (Carnosaur's a personal fave). Daniel Bernhardt, of syndicated television fame, escapes to our time, falls in with the folks at a halfway house, learns English within a day, and is chased by future-dinosaurs and Robert Z'Dar's cheeks. Nothing in the story makes sense, the ending takes places in dimly lit corridors like so many other 90's DTV titles, and everyone's wearing plaid; a perfect target for the Satellite of Love. A fun movie to make fun of, and even more fun when MST3K's doing it for you.
Sights within:
-Beginning credits that desperately wish they were Terminator 2's.
-World's most never-ending stream of carefully placed, empty cardboard boxes.
-Early 90's southern-Californian gang members vs. dinosaurs.
-World's most random tai chi workout.
-Daniel Bernhardt, a Jean Claude Van Damme for a Roger Corman age.
Grade: B
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Another target of MST3K that easily could have fit right in with every other movie I'd rent as a child if I had come across it. The movie consists of finding werewolf bones, Joe Estevez loses his shit over it, guy gets cut by werewolf bones, guy turns into werewolf. Done. It'd be painfully tedious if it wasn't for the additional commentary by the MST3K crew, and even then they get a little flat at times, as though it was work even making fun of the thing. Still, it's hard to ever call an episode of Mystery Science Theater "bad" as every one of them is entertaining.
Sights within:
-World's only skeleton with ear bones. Yep.
-Joe Estevez, the other Sheen meat.
-A security guard who's so good at his job, an occupation that is founded on the skills of observation, he doesn't even notice as he turns into a werewolf as he's driving.
-World's worst, most predictable "shock" ending that will leave you trying to give a shit.
Grade: B-
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An early-90's adaptation of the manga/anime, this thing's rooted in camp and B-level goodness. Mark Hamill plays grizzled detective #963347 investigating the murder of a scientist, who's daughter is dating the charisma-less putz who will become...The Guyver! Basically, it's guys in rubber suits beating the shit out of each other, which is also just an excuse for Screamin' Mad George to go apeshit on monster designs. The suits are probably the most over the top effects I've seen in a film. The impressive part was that they still functioned pretty decently in the fight scenes. The story's pretty typical of a Saturday morning cartoon, but thankfully the movie doesn't take itself seriously at all. Michael Berryman, Jimmie Walker, Hamill, and the others ham it up, making it one of the funnest B-movies I've seen in a while.
Sights within:
-Mark Hamill embracing his character's cliches with every ounce of gusto he's got.
-Movies have taught us to beware the twerp on a Vespa because they're the ones who turn into Spider-Man or a bloodthirsty alien monster that knows kung-fu.
-Is that Alice Cooper as the leader of the gang?
-World's most meta Linnea Quigley cameo.
-Jeffrey Combs! Yaaayy!
-Obligatory "Dy-no-mite!"
-It's like if the Power Rangers had sex with Green Jelly's "Three Little Pigs" video.
Grade: B
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I don't know if the filmmakers were embarrassed by the first one or what, but this one goes completely the opposite direction and not for the better. Immediately, this proclaims itself as being much more serious, shoving how violent and dark it wants to be down the viewer's throat immediately in the opening scene. Then there's like forty minutes of rambling (I'm not exaggerating either, this thing's over 120 minutes and I have no idea why) before anything else happens. Apparently, when you want your movie to be taken seriously, you have to make it boring as fuck to watch. Not a single character shows so much of a second of personality anywhere in this thing leaving only the fight scenes to look forward to, which are far in between. And, honestly, I've seen better in Power Rangers episodes. For some reason, this one is held in high regards around fan circles online and I have no idea why. The first one was great, guilty fun while this made me wish for bone cancer just so I could have something to do.
-David Hayter, the wax statue impersonating a human being and playing The Guyver, would later go on the be the voice of Solid Snake in the Metal Gear games and write the scripts for the first two X-men movies. So what the hell happened here?
-There was a grand total of two sounds for the monsters' grunts.
-World's only film to have its grand, sci-fi, epic battle in the wilds of ...Utah. Whoopdedoo.
-"The Guyver 3: The Mormon Elite He's in town with a few wives to marry..."
Grade: D
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There hasn't been very many men that can measure up to William Castle. The combination of his knockout ability to churn out pure entertainment one after another coupled with the fact that he was one of the most likable people on the planet, full of grace and charm, made him one of the legendary filmmakers that will always be remembered, and this film does him justice. He may not stand up there with the likes of Kubrick or Spielberg but, to me anyways, his career outshines either one. The documentary traces his life, with all of the ups and downs. One thing the film does great is that it brings who Castle was and gets his personality and what makes him tick so well that by the end of the movie, you'll feel as though you knew him yourself. The one thing I'd say against the film is that it sticks to the conventions of the biographical documentary pretty closely, but at the same time, if it works why screw with it? Very entertaining and and a worthy tribute to one of my heroes.
Sights within:
-The world's best "B" director (sorry, Corman, it's true).
-Someone needs to release that damn mime movie now!
-You can't help but wonder how things would have turned out if Castle had directed Rosemary's Baby.
-This comes in a boxset along with 13 Frightened Girls, 13 Ghosts, Homicidal, Strait-Jacket, The Old Dark House, Mr. Sardonicus, The Tingler, and Zotz!, pretty much the best investment you could ever make.
Grade: A-
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This...is a weird one. It basically amounts to a biker film that's fit for the Lifetime Movie Network. It starts out typically, even if it's preloaded with exposition. Angel gets out of prison after ratting out his ex-fellow gang members and makes a run for it with his ex-hooker girlfriend before they hunt him down and beat the hell out of him. The first twenty minutes or so are interesting enough. The gang members find Angel and chase him down, forcing him and his girlfriend to escape by train in a great chase sequence set at the train yards. The scene has some great stunts and the editing is stylish before it was hip to be Steven Soderbergh, making the movie move in a rhythm that really gets you going. It's followed up by a tense scene on a train filled with nutballs and you just can't help but think that it just keeps getting better. But then, it falls like a fucking stone. Suddenly, about fifty minutes go by and the only thing that happens is that Angle and his wife play house while he gets a job on a sheep ranch. That's it. It becomes a marital drama about a biker and his hooker. I'm not kidding. Then, in the last ten minutes the gang members show back up just in time for what the movie considers an ending but I consider it a limp roll past the finish line. Talking about getting the wind knocked out of your sails.
Sights within:
-World's biggest asshole of a protagonist.
-It just kills me that the chase on the train yards is soooooooooo good and then the movie lays a Cleavland Steamer right after it.
-You were gonna rape my gal, but hey, that's in the past. What a putz.
-Okay, so at this point, there has to have been at least months that have passed by, and these guys are still scouring the countryside? Is this really the focal point of these guys' lives?
-You can add two grades higher just for Joe Bob Briggs's commentary which is worth buying the disc for alone.
Grade: D+
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I can't help but enjoy Jason Statham movies. They're nothing but B-grade bullshit that doesn't aspire to be anything else but fun. I will also contend that out of all the actors currently working today, only Statham, Gerard Butler, and (at times) Vin Diesel measure up to the ranks of tough guy action stars that were set by guys like Stallone, Lee Marvin, and Schwarzenegger (it's sad that spell check has no problems with that name). This probably ranks up there with Crank as the most enjoyable Statham movies, though this one is much more light-hearted and breezy than that masterpiece of chaos and rage. Statham's a driver who ends up violating his own rules and getting caught in a mess of trouble, all of which is just an excuse to see Statham fly around and kick people in the face. The scenery looks amazing on Blu and the camera actually holds steady in the action scenes, reminding you how great fight scenes used to look before studios started hiring schizos to run their cameras. There's nothing you're going to take away from this film, but there's definitely worse ways to pass the time.
Sights within:
-World's coolest fucking villa, man. It even has its own moat in the basement.
-There's Orangina vending machines?
-Revenge for trying to kill him? Nah. He just wanted a new ride.
-World's most oiled-up fight scene.
-I never realized how painful bike pedals could seem.
-It's weird how no one really talks about the wave of frenchploitation we've had going for a while now, even though they're some of the best and most popular action films around. Transporter, Kiss of the Dragon, District B13, Taken, and others, usually written or at least produced by Luc Besson.
Grade: B
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Bleh. Just a grab-bag of bullshit. Al Adamson apparently had originally planned on cashing in on James Bonds's popularity put lost funding, forcing him to shelve what he had for a few years until he could round up more cash. By the time he could start filming again, biker flicks were popular, so hey, what the hell, right? Let's throw that shit in too. The whole movie is just a mess of ideas thrown together for a quick buck. It jumps from bikers to spies to nazis to youths in trouble, there's no real focal point until the ending where somehow just enough shit comes together to actually qualify as an ending. Honestly, at one point in the middle of the movie, the thought of doing the dishes seemed more entertaining. And they were.
Sights within:
-Credits that really wish they were attached to a James Bond flick.
-World's most incomprehensible plot. I don't know if it even can be considered a plot. Doesn't the term itself imply some kind of planning and thought process? Neither of which can be applied to this movie.
-So KFC is what you consider a decent place to go on your romantic date?
-Holy shit, that was the Colonel!
-The whole thing's on Youtube if you really feel compelled to watch it.
Grade: D-
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One of the big names of science fiction, it deserves its status just on its camp value alone. The majority of the film is primarily a soap opera dealing with an asshole, his alcoholic wife, and his moron girlfriend. This guy's such a prick that he openly cheats on his wife in front of the whole town, which makes you wonder if his wife is really a drunk, or has some degree of mental retardation if she can't notice what's going on. A UFE (Unidentified Flying Egg) lands, unleashing a giant mo-mo with a penchant for jewelry. The wife runs afoul of the giant who passes on radiation poisoning to the lush. Since we all know that radiation made everything grow super-huge back in the 50's, she grows to the titular character, and somehow becomes a blonde, and hunts down the philandering husband. Badda bing, badda boom. Honestly, she doesn't grow until the last six minutes or so, and half of that is just repeated footage. But, the rest of the film is so damn entertaining just by watching these low-lives interact with each other. The dialog's biting and funny with everyone always cutting each other down and the whole film is steeped in the kind of kitsch that only 50's sci-fi could bring to the table.
Sights within:
-World's largest fucking styrofoam hand, man.
-She really has to drive around with that giant rock around her neck? No wonder the big mongoloid attacked her.
-I take it this wasn't a film for the feminist movement at the time?
-World's most transparent giant people. Literally.
Grade: B
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One of Jess Franco's throwaways, one I'm sure he spent a whole day thinking about. A couple of whities crash in the jungle where the locals worship them as gods. Years later, the mother of the girl lost in the jungle sends an expedition to bring her back, as well as the diamonds they were traveling with. The group consists of a couple of greasy guys planning only bringing back the diamonds and their moralistic jungle guide. What follows is a lot of walking, a lot of talking, bad stock footage, and an abundance of nudity you'd probably just wish you had never seen anyways. Some shit happens, and the it ends. And that's the long and the short of it. Honestly, there's not even enough to this movie to really discuss it. It just simply exists.
Sights within:
-A tribal village that consists of a few decorated Honey Buckets set on an artificial lawn.
-World's most unappealing nudity, outside of At Play in the Fields of the Lord.
-World's sweatiest, grossest troupe of actors.
-For a movie called Diamonds of Kilimanjaro, there's not really a lot of diamonds or Kilimanjaro.
Grade: D
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A production from Spain that honestly isn't really a good movie, but for some damn reason I really liked it, despite the sagging middle. It follows Jules Verne's novel as well as any other production but definitely has its own take on the creature designs. A group of scientists find out the earth's hollow and explore it, coming across various giant creatures among three different sets that are continuously redecorated. The movie has a leisurely pace that's about three steps from boring, but the charm and earnestness of the filmmakers make it fun in the end. Another worthy release from Code Red who has the uncanny ability to bring me the hidden gems I somehow never got around to seeing.
Sights within:
-World's coolest giant turtles, other than Gamera of course.
-There's so many shots that are from the same maddening angle where you're almost screaming for them to tilt up even five degrees.
-Random giant monkey attack.
-There's waaaaaaayyyyyy too much orange in this movie.
Grade: C+
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I've decided to include the films that I've had to resort to DVD-R's just to be able to watch them, with this being the first one to get an official write-up. I've been desperately wanting to watch this for years after having seen the trailer on one of Synapse's 42nd St. Forever dvds. I sat twiddling my thumbs for years waiting for the rumored BCI release until eventually that company folded altogether (once again, fuck you Redbox/Netflix). With the dvd market only getting worse as the months go by, I figured the chances of this getting an official release was only getting slimmer so I said fuck it and "acquired" it, something I'm loath to do usually but sometimes there's just no choice. I will say the wait was worth it, with this being one of the best revenge flicks I've seen, a particular favorite genre of mine. William Devane is a Vietnam vet that gets maimed and has other atrocities done to him during a robbery. After getting out of the hospital, he goes on a slow burn revenge trek that culminates in a pretty cathartic shoot-out. Tommy Lee Jones shows up in a small but very memorable role as another vet that helps Devane out, and you're never really sure what the hell's up with him. Every one of his lines is funny in a demented way and he seems to delight in the prospect of gunning down some bad guys. It's probably one of my favorite roles of his even from the small amount of time he shows up. That's not to cut Devane short at all, though. You never once doubt that he can realistically accomplish everything he sets out to do and he owns every scene he's in. The film never dips into excess or typical Hollywood-isms. In fact, it's almost a spiritual cousin to No Country For Old Men. This really needs to be seen in a real dvd release as I think it's an important film and I have no idea how it's gotten to be so neglected over the years.
Sights within:
-Over silver dollars? Really?
-World's kookiest performance by Tommy Lee Jones.
-You just knew he was going to use that hook at one point.
-What the hell happened to William Devane?
-The scene with the cop going to Mexico? Completely worthless. The only down point in the film.
-The scene where Devane tells Jones that he's found the bad guys is already among my "Favorite Scenes of All-Time" list.
-Trivia: Tarantino likes this film so much, he named his production company after it. I'd expect an "homage" to appear at some point in his career.
Grade: A-
I'm baaaaaaaack in the saddle again.
Movies Watched: 21
-Swamp Country
-Hell's Angels '69
-Fangoria's Blood Drive
-Fangoria's Blood Drive 2
-Warrior of the Lost World - MST3K
-Santa Claus - MST3K
-The Girl in Lover's Lane - MST3K
-Cemetery High
-She-Devils on Wheels
-Future War - MST3K
-Werewolf - MST3K
-The Guyver
-The Guyver 2
-Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story
-Run Angel Run
-The Transporter (Blu-ray)
-Hell's Bloody Devils
-Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
-Diamonds of Kilimanjaro
-The Fabulous Journey to the Center of the Earth
-Rolling Thunder (DVD-R)
New Movies Bought: 10
-Dressed To Kill
-Hostile Takeover (VHS)
-The Canyon
-Brief Interviews With Hideous Men
-Thirst (2009)
-Cult
-The Skeptic
-Curse of the Crying Woman (1963)
-Neither the Sea Nor the Sand
-Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
Unseen DVDS: 3226
Unseen Blu-rays: 71
Unseen VHS: 120
Unseen DVD-R'S: 5
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